With out my Eli

Today I took a CPR infant and 1st aid class that lasted for 6 of the LONGEST hours of my life. My mom took them with me, so she'll know what to do if ever she watches lil' man. I'm glad we both went together or we would have been bored out of our minds, we tend to keep each other entertained :) Honestly, I learned way more than I thought I would. It taught me ALL the ins and outs I need to know for Lil' man. But gosh, was I dying. I know I need to let go a little of Lil' man, but it's so hard. Moi stayed home with him while his mom came to visit. The reason I say this is cuz lately I've been having horrible anxiety with people around Eli. My mom and two sisters are really the only people I feel comfortable with around, or holding Eli, so knowing Moi's mom was here, with NO control of mine over it kinda killed me. Earlier this week, Moi had wanted to surprise me with dinner classes and planned on leaving Eli with his mom for 3 plus hours. I wasn't having it. I was having horrible anxiety about it and finally broke down to Moi, explaining that I was JUST NOT READY for anyone, but my mom to watch Eli.


So after a day of class and getting my sister ready for the Marine Corp. Ball, I headed home to see Eli in Moi's mom's arms. He was FINE. Nothing wrong and actually in a GOOD mood. It kinda burned a lil' cuz he wasn't even excited to see me. NO arms out reaching for me, NO smile. NO nothing. I was heartbroken. More than heartbroken. The one thing that I thought LOVED to see me, had no excitement in his face. NO giggle. And as I grabbed him sadly from her arms I also realized something. That Eli is perfectly fine without mama. That I can LET go. I can do it. And I don't need it to be just my family or my mom. It def. stings to know that Eli is becoming more independent and doesn't need me as much, so I need to accept that. I'll let go, but SLOWLY. I can do an hour here and hour there. I still need to adjust to it. But I know I'm hurting more than Eli is. He's fine. And I know eventually I will be too.