I didn't know how to react. Do I "act" happy for her? Do I tell her I don't think she's ready to have a kid? Do I pass any judgement? Do I just listen to her and let it soak in? I was so lost. Not that I'm this horrible sister that doesn't want my sister to be happy. I was just not ready to hear those words, yet. I was still hoping for a victory of winning Cedes back first. I was hoping to get a text that said instead, Marisa is gonna keep fighting. But, I didn't. So I text my sister back asking for some advice on how I should respond. But that didn't seem to help. I knew when the time was right and Marisa was to tell me, I would just go with how I felt. And that's exactly what I did.
She called me the other night, explaining that she would have liked to have done it in person, but with our crazy schedules and things getting in the way she just wanted me to know. I shocked myself with my own response.
I listened.
I congratulated.
I gave her positive advice.
I was there for her.
I didn't pass any judgement.
I even said, "if your gonna have a lil' girl, I'm gonna die!" Cuz, well I spoiled Cedes rotten. That booger, got and still gets what she wants from me.
It was actually a really good convo. I hung up the phone in good spirits. Like, "I'm proud of you Mireya!"
But then the guilt set in. You see, I think this is where it all stems from. I have a guilt for some reason. A guilt of letting go. If I accept this, then I accept that our Cedes won't ever come back to us. I accept what happened to her, was ok. I accept that everything that happened, never existed. And that just rips deep at my heart. It just brings back so many bad memories. It brings up ugly feelings. Feelings that I shouldn't have for my sister. Why, can't I just let them go. This is my sisters choice to have this baby. This is her life. Not mine. So why can't I seem to come to terms with how she decides to live it. Why can't I let this go, so I can be happy. Don't get me wrong. A child is an absolute blessing. So shouldn't ALL children have the life they deserve? Shouldn't Cedes watch her little brother or sister grow up? Shouldn't she be there to help them grow? I could have a million shouldn't's. This is the point where hurt turns to anger for me. I pray. I pray a lot. Maybe I should pray MORE. Cuz I'm so tired. I'm exhausted from feeling this way. I wanna watch Marisa step by step through her pregnancy. I wanna help look through a bunch of books for baby names. Help set up her baby shower. But mostly be excited to watch Eli and her baby grow up together. But it's just not there. The reality is, that's not our relationship. It won't be that way.
I know if things happened under different circumstances, things would be so different. My feelings towards certain people wouldn't exist. We'd all be jumping for joy for this little peanut that is entering all our lives. But that isn't happening. We are all hiding from it. We are all uncertain on how we should act. I know the way I reacted when she called was genuine. I know I am happy for the baby. I do know that. But am I happy for her in particular? God doesn't just give a person a baby. He's God for goodness sakes. He knows what he's doing. I hope this baby is our answer to ALL of our unanswered questions. I really thought Eli would have done that, but if anything it's brought a hole between my sister and me that is even deeper and darker than before. Something I don't know if we can dig our way out of this time. I hope this baby clears up everything and we can all start fresh. Maybe this baby is what we need. This innocent life. To help us all see the lighter things in life. To remind us that life does continue on. That people do deserve a second chance. I sure hope so. Cuz this baby deserves that. Not to enter into a family with so much animosity. So much hurt, pain and sadness. This baby and Eli deserve to have a relationship. Who are we to take that away from them?! We aren't! God knows his plans for this baby, I just wish he'd give us a heads up on his plans, that sure would help!
No comments:
Post a Comment