Time...

It's seems like there is never enough in a day. I'm so amazed once 5 o'clock hits. I'm lost in a travel zone cuz I could have promised it was only like 1'clock last time I checked. But nope, it's really time just passing by. And man does it ever so suck. I'm in that whole looking back when Eli was little stage. And it's really hitting me like a ton of bricks. I try to convince myself that I so loved it, but I didn't and well I've already discussed a lot of it. But today made me realize a big factor was Moi's two full time jobs. He'd come home, sleep, leave and the cycle would start all over again. I never had a break. And well that takes me to my, well not jealously but envious feeling towards my sister. No, I'm not mad at her, but I do envy the love she instills for Meli my niece. I wish I could have felt that for Eli. And I know I've talked about it numerous times, but it stills eats me up inside. And I guess that's a big reason why I so wish I could turn back time and really enjoy all of Eli's baby days, cuz honestly they are gone. He's a full grown toddler, no stopping him now. I hear my sister tell me how much she just wants Meli to stay little and I think, man I never felt that. And I wish I did. I wish the future me could have slapped me around a few times and said WAKE up Mireya, Eli is growing up NOW. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and enjoy this lil' blessing. I talk to Moi about this, but I think he thinks I blame him for it all. Which, I'm not gonna lie, I do blame him for some, but I know a lot of it was due to my sickness.

So yes, tonite, I'm reminiscing about Eli's lil' stages of life. And I hope tonite in my dreams I can see that lil' 6 month old who was so frustrated cuz he couldn't crawl. Or that angry lil' elf as I called him, so mad cuz he wanted to eat more :) So I leave you with his adorable baby cuteness...

If this boy couldn't get any cuter...

HE JUST DID.

a turn for the better...

Have you ever looked at life and wondered is this it?! Am I supposed to be with this person forever?! Is this my path of what my life is...am I on the right route?! I did that A LOT. With everything. With my life in college, my relationship with Moi, my whole life was just. Literally just life. I wasn't sure about anything and I questioned me and Moi constantly. I always wondered if he was the right one. I mean people say when you know, you just know. No thought. But I didn't know. I wanted to, but I wasn't ever 100% sure. We never were on the same page. Things never seemed in place with us. I mean he was the person I was supposed to be myself with. And at times I didn't feel that. I felt like I had to be a person he wanted. Not the person I was. And it was like that most of our relationship. Moi was my first love. So I never knew any different. But when I'd talk to my mom, she would explain the love she had for my father (during his better time in life) and I never could relate. It wasn't like that. Then I'd start questioning myself if I truly loved Moi or if it was just that I was comfortable that made me stay. I was familiar with us. It was what I was used too. 

Then life changed. And we were engaged. I felt like I was at a good spot in our relationship, but there were still things that were making me question our future. Did I want to grow old with this man. Then I would start to say, well if I'm feeling this way, then why am I with him. It was a constant cycle that was so unforgiving and tortuous. At moments I was ready to give up and just leave with out a goodbye a note. Nothing. For a while we were at a point where we were not healthy for each other. We both had our flaws that needed attention for us to work. So we parted and it made me see what I was missing. You see I never knew what a healthy, loving relationship was. I never saw one. Everyone in my family including aunts, uncles, cousins all were divorced. No one demonstrated what it was like to be healthy in love. And I say healthy in love because there are so many people who are damaging themselves by being with a person they believe they are in love with. Controlling, abusive, neglecting, uncommunicative relationships. And that's what I saw. I have to give praise to Moises' parents because they were the first couple who showed me what it was to really love your spouse and partner. They are still so in love and I knew that's what I wanted. But it took nineteen years to finally see it first hand. Nineteen years is a long time with out seeing what a true, healthy loving relationship involves. 

So as me and Moi stuck it out, we decided we needed to try and if all failed then it wasn't meant. Well guess who made it all happen. Our Eli. We got pregnant a few months prior to our wedding and I really felt like it was such a blessing from the Lord. 

Eli woke both me and Moi up. He let us truly fall in love. He let me see the side of Moi I so desperately needed to see, as well the side of me, Moi so desperately needed to see. We let out our venerability and it was ok. I can't say I have ever been so in love with Moi as much as I am with him now. It's such a different love. And now I can say it's the love my mom had for father. The love Moi's parents express. It's the deepest love I have ever felt and it's amazing. Writing this now, I'm fighting back tears because I can't believe how far we've come from the moment we found out we were pregnant till' now. We have grown so much and for the better. Our lives definitely took a different path to what we thought was meant for us. But all along God knew we needed Eli. It's amazing how that all works out. Eli has forced me and Moi to come together as a team for him, but what we didn't know was if forced us to see the love we had and have for each other. I think it was always there, but I was so blinded by what I thought was the right form that I never allowed the love that me and Moi had to ever exist. Our love was toxic from the start because I had made it into that. I never allowed it to flourish into what it should have. By concealing myself from Moi and him from me we never reached the ok part of us. We never saw what should have been because we were so blinded by our own selfishness of what we thought was meant to be love. Now its the purest love I can imagine. Because it's love that came from deep within us. We had to search for it, but now that it's been found it'll never go lost again. And why because our sweet boy brought it out of us. He made us see what we had longed for, for so long. It's amazing what a child so innocent can do to you. Some say having a child can tear a couple apart, but it has only brought us closer. Eli gave me and Moi a second chance at love. And I'm so thankful now, that I know that feeling of emotion. It's amazing. It's thrilling. It's truly like a love out of a movie.

Nightmares and pregnancy

is this not the ugliest thing ever. Yes and this is what I always visualize when I'm home alone. 

I can't explain it, but after I became pregnant with Eli my fear of scary movies went through the roof. I was always the one calling people to see if they'd wait in line with me to see the next scary movie out. But then I got pregnant. And bam...Just like that I had the absolute WORSE nightmares after watching a scary movie. And they stay with me. For days. And now. Nothing has changed. Watching a scary commercial of a preview for a movie gives me the shivers and I'll literally stay up at night, cuddling with my blanket and sleeping near my German Shepherd with my lights on dim in the room. I can't even explain what is going on. Then I start thinking that someone is in the house. Or I spot something floating. It's so bizarre and I if I could make it all go away I would. What is going on Mireya...Seriously. I wonder if it's becoming a mommy. Now I have another person to care for and watch out for. The stress of worrying never ceases as a mother. It's constant. So tonight again, I'm prob. not gonna go to bed till' about 12 and another hour to fall asleep all because of this stupid face I keep seeing...UGH :( 

pinch me Please...

Cuz sometimes I feel life is so amazingly perfect we are bound for something to come smack us in the face. Our wedding is going amazing and I'm getting more and more excited to celebrate it. Eli has been such a sweet heart, as well as a good boy. I'm in the process of my lifestyle change. Losing weight and eating like a health nut. Who would have thought. And then we just heard back from the bank that we got approved to refinance our house. So we can start looking for a new one soon :) But it's all to perfect. And my twenty-sixth birthday is a week away. Well actually a week and a day away. I'm not really looking forward to it, but heck it's a day I can use as my excuse to do what I want and no one can say No. So I'll take it. 


I tell people my life isn't perfect, but instead my life is very blessed. I truly couldn't ask for anything different. I'm so extremely happy with everything that the only possible thing I could ask for is for it to keep continuing like this. 


By the way this is absolutely nothing to do with this post, but how cute is this face...

Patience is a virtue...

I have come to realize how important the role of a parent is. A child absorbs every lil' thing you say and do. From discipline to simple hand gestures that you never realized you do. And I think a big one is your temperament with the child. Everyday I'm reminded how blessed I am with such a crazy, loud, funny, happy lil' boy. But I'm also reminded of a story that truly tears at my heart. It a story that comes out of book that no one really wants to ever come true. It's simple. A woman falls in love. They have infertility problems then years later adopt. The husband graduates to become an optometrist and they are living the American dream. Until tragedy hits and on her birthday the husband and their 2.5 year old boy go canoeing. Never to return. Later they find both bodies. Believed to result from the freezing water. I read her posts and all I can think of is why did I get mad at Eli, when she would truly die for one more day with her son. It comes to my attention every time Eli is being clingy, or upset. And I don't allow myself to get that place of frustration. When really all Eli wants is something so simple. Or needs just a hug. How hard is that to do? To take a few minutes out of the day to tend to the child you prayed so hard for. Some parents forget that. I'm not gonna lie it took a little adjusting too, but I picture that lil' boy and the husband and all the frustration escapes and is replaced with a sense of content. Weird I know. All I know is, is patience is a virtue, but if you can live by it, it will be so worth it. You won't have regrets as a parent. I'm definitely not in the category of a perfect mom, but I know I learn a new lesson from Eli everyday. He lets me grow to become a better parent and mama to him. And that crazy lil' boy has no clue that he has changed every aspect of my life and how I look at it with him in it now. Gosh I love him!!!

To have and to hold...

Those are the words that have been swirling around in my lil' noggin :) I can't believe just four months exactly from today I will be walking down the isle looking at the two people that mean the world to me.   And confessing every emotion that I have felt the past eight years of my life in a matter of seconds. But I did it. I wrote down my vows in a matter of minutes. I can't explain how much emotion I was overcome by, it surprised me. I'm so happy, but couldn't stop crying as I was reading what I had just wrote. The feeling of vulnerability is definitely going to be challenging. I am going to tell Moi everything I have ever felt in front of a lot of people. I mean they are our family, but I don't think many people have seen me in that light. I can't wait though. I think that will be the Most important part of the whole wedding. I can't wait to scoop Eli up and kiss my love. I can't wait to finally live this winter wonderland fantasy I have had for so long. It's going to be perfect. :)


On another note of the wedding, how freaking awesome is this:


http://www.etsy.com/listing/91948250/unique-wedding-guest-book-alternative?ref=usr_faveitems&atr_uid=12581135


 I am totally obsessed with it. Cuz let's face it, no one really goes back to read the guestbook.