Dear god,

I'm going to bed with a full heart. 

A heart so filled sometimes it's bursting out :)

And I love it.

My Eli is squirming around in his crib while I watch his lil' body find a comfy spot to fall fast asleep 
And I couldn't be more happier to have that lil' dude. 

I know if it weren't for him I'd be a mess. 

Literally.

I wake up, for him.

I'm forced to get my lazy butt out of bed.

And tend my son.

And I'm thankful for that :)

I'm so thankful that I have a child.

An amazing son at that. 

He really makes me be, well, ME :)

And I couldn't ask for more.

Oh Eli if you could read the feelings my heart flows with everyday for you,

you'd have to go on for days.

I'm really watching my lil' guy grow up every single day.

And I don't wanna miss a day of it.

I'm so thankful I have a wonderful man who allows it.

And who understands how important it is to me, 

to be with Eli until his pre K years.

Who works his lil' tush off,

So I can be with our Eli. 
Thanks for the millions of blessings I receive daily.
Thank you for my Family ;)

In Jesus' name,

Amen

Anxiety...

No more like pure fear. 

I love singing. plain and simple. I love it. But what I don't love is what comes with it. That first moment of anticipation to sing. Waiting. The anxiety that fills my mind and starts to play tricks on me, as if I had forgotten the lyrics, when in reality I hadn't. But then I start going over in my mind, did I forget them. And I start singing it and start over thinking it. Then the sweat sets in and I'm a mess. Yes, this is how it goes every single time the first time I sing anywhere. Once that first moment is over, I can relax and I could go up a million more times, less stressed and more excited than ever to sing. But I need to learn to get over the sheer terror that I have. If people will like it. If I'll remember it fully. If I'll get the nerves. If my stage presence is good enough. So tonight I'm gonna lean on good Ol' God for this. I really need to leave ALL my worry with him. And just practice. Cuz if I practice I know that is the best I can do and really what is worrying going to do other than make me break out more and well make me freak out on stage. So from now on. No more. I'm leaving it with God. And that's that :)

Hello October...

October is right around the corner and I'm loving ever bit as it reaches closer and closer. So I had to start it up with a cute lil' photo op of my two lil' favorite people. And let me tell ya, this wasn't the easiest shoot. Eli was not wanting anything to do with Meli. He just wasn't having it and though he was being a booger, it was too funny not to laugh.

Singing..Why yes..

So singing as always been a fun thing for me. I love it and really enjoy just being behind a mic. It's my great escape. I can be anyone I want when I'm singing. So with that said. I'm on it again. Yup. My cousins hubs told me he had heard of a contest and the moment I heard that, I was on the internet searching for it. And I found it. 3 Minutes to Stardom. I hurried and typed out my registration form. From then on, I was constantly logging into my email, waiting for them to tell me I was chosen. And nothing :( Finally yesterday I put in my search box in my email, 3 minutes to stardom and there it was only problem it said I needed to RSVP by the 25th. What?! I discovered this too late. NO!!! That was all I could think of. I decided to just email them and see what they say, if it was ok for me RSVP late. And well, to my surprise they allowed it. So now I'm on the hunt for the perfect song. Which I have no clue is. EKK. I'm so nervous, but excited at the same time. So now it's just finding that perfect song and perfecting it. 

Just when I thought...

Life couldn't be any more simpler. Or perfect for that matter. I'm hit with a dose of confusion and sadness. I'm the worst critic when it comes to my own image. The way I'm portrayed in peoples eyes. How i'm looked at. And I hate that quality about myself. But to just say, ok, I'm not gonna be like that, is such an understatement. I can't. It's like allowing yourself to self indulge in fudge every single day, even though you know it's absolutely horrible for you. See, there I go, always picking at those dumb pounds. I have to admit prior to my weight los, I was happier. Believe it or not. And now that I have lost weight, the scale has become my enemy. My worst nightmare. I try and shake it off, but can't seem to function until I stand on that scale and see the numbers. And now I pick at every lil' thing that was just a shrug off my shoulders before, has become a daily occurrence at what I see in the mirror and want to change. I hate what I see looking back at me. My nose, my stomach, my lil' love handles, even my height if I could. I get annoyed with myself and this whole obsession is beyond exhausting. I think this time around though, I'm making a change. I have come to the realization that I do have a slight problem with my appearance and need to talk to a possible therapist. I grew up in a household, where I was told, my butt was too big, I had a pouch and well having my grandfather calling me FAT at the age of 12 doesn't help. I know I will never allow myself to go to the extreme, but I know I'm slipping and I need to regain consciousness and wake up and realize that I can be healthy and not so obsessive with every lil' pound. I know the hubs is getting darn annoyed with every lil' comment I say. And I can't blame the poor guy, he gets the brunt of  it. I gotta get to the point at, where I can look at myself and say, YES, I love myself. And I'm not no where near that. But if I can kick my butt in gear and finish what's known as the hardest workout, I sure can overcome my own worst enemy. ME. I just need to be ok with it first. 

And so it happened...

I did it. Wow, I really finished Insanity. Nine of the hardest and longest weeks I have ever endured, but was so worth it. I know now if I truly put my mind to it, I can do anything and this just reassured me that it is possible. So of my own remembrance when I'm old and saggy I can say, I did Insanity and really it did work.

16 months...

Ok bud, sorry mommy missed your 15th month :,( 

But this month you are by far such a different child. I'm really losing my baby and gaining a lil' toddler. And though I am missing your cuddle days, your funny, goofy personality is definitely making up for it. I absolutely love this age. You are making me and your daddy fall head over heels for you. And I'm taking in every moment becaeus I know this age is gonna fly by just as fast as the last sixteen months have. So here are all the lil' things I love, and lil' things that are well, your lil' quirks.

*Your signing is amazing. You know, please, thank you, nice, more, food, water, wait (a big one for us cuz you have NO patience), milk (another fav of yours).
*Your vocabulary is also very big. You catch on very quick, especially when you watch our lips pronounce the words. You're so quick at copying what ever you hear. I'm one very proud mama.
*We started swim classes with you and man oh man does this make me happy. I am very paranoid with water and you as you LOVE it. And me not so much when all you wanna do is just run in it. We are on wk 5 and have learned to hold your breath and swim a small distance under water. Definitely eases my mind from what could have happened. I know now you can float and hold your breath ;)
*You are obsessed with reading. Well 4 books that is. You love: God gave us you, How to be a pig, Me and my daddy and Me and my mommy. We read them up to 10x a day. But we love, to see you love it.
*You still are not a tv kid, but we found one show that keeps your attention. Sid the Science Kid. So daddy went out and got a bunch of the DVD's just for you. And you could watch them over and over. So happy it's at least educational :)
*You aren't to into children your age. You tend to like the bigger kids. You gravitate towards them for some reason, and it's so cute to see you "try" and be one of the big kids.
*Your still breastfeeding and to be honest I'm letting you wean yourself. I am not about to put you or me into something stressful. You're slowly weaning off once in the morning and maybe midday and nitetime. 
*You went through a funny stage when all you wanted to eat was fruit juices (you love homemade juice) and yogurt. You literally went through it for a few weeks and would spit out anything we put in front of your. Thank goodness your strike is OVER :)
*You're a growing machine. You are so big compared to the kiddos your age. I'm still crossing my fingers it's a sign you're gonna be taller than daddy :)
*I still can't cut your hair. It's so curly. We have gotten a few "She's so cute" remarks. But hey I can't blame them, your hair is long and you wear a teething necklace.
*Anytime you hear music your lil' head starts bobbing and it's by far thing the cutest thing.
*You are really picking up on your bad attitude and will do nice to us if you recognize that we aren't very happy with it.
*You scream dad ALL the time. If daddy come home and he goes out of your sight, it's dad, dad, dad, until you find him.
*You like to eat now on your big boy table. No more high chair. 
*You love your doggies and we are so blessed to have such amazing doggies that allow you to do whatever you want to them.
*Going into 24 months clothing and wearing shoe size 6

You are such a happy lil' dude. I still get lil' flutters in my belly when I think about you and how much I love your sweet, innocent lil' soul. I couldn't be more grateful for the lil' blessing of you that God gave me. I'm forever a changed because of you Eli, and I never wanna go back