Today my bubba love got his 6 month shots. Poor baby. He was such a lil' champ though. He cried a lil' and then I sang to him in his ear and he stopped. I learned that trick a few weeks ago when I couldn't do anything to stop him from screaming in the backseat. He loves "baby mine" and "on my knees." I'm not sure what it is about those two songs, but he loves when I sing them.
So at the docs I forgot to mention my concern with his hearing, as hearing problems run in my family. He doesn't make many noises. Just lil' squeaks. But he is quiet a lot. He smiles like crazy and does laugh, but he doesn't seem to make many mama, dada sounds. So many of my cousins have had tubes put in their ears, so we gotta get that checked out. I'm teaching him sign language, so if he does have any issues, I'm not to worried. Honestly, I would just go with it. I don't think it would be a burden on me at all. He's still PERFECT. Nothing is imperfect about him.
His doctor noticed about how well he sits up on his own. And the lil booger is so ready to crawl. He does his lil' rocking on his knees. I say in two weeks or less. He is like my lil' army man, crawling with his arms everywhere. Goofball.
I'm sucha proud mama.
He is 28in long and 19lbs 11oz. He's def. slowed down on his weight. But I still don't mind his rolls one bit. I opted out of the Hep B shot and the flu shot. I really am not for the flu shot one bit. And the Hep B shot I don't find necessary till' he hits age 1.
So as the holidays are fast approaching, Me and Moi have seem to been reminded time after time how we truly are so blessed. For his Job(s), our healthy lil' boy, the choice to take time off, and spend time together. These topics come up some how every time we are out.
We have a tradition, the day after Gobble Gobble day, as I call it, we got out and get our tree. I did tell you, I'm overly obsessed with Christmas and Moi joins in with me on the craziness and so will Eli :)
Well as we were picking out the biggest tree we could possibly fit on our car, we came across a man. Who by the way was such a nice guy. He was one of those people that are genuinely nice. I just sensed it from him. And the weird part was his name was Moises as well. I have really only come across a few Moises'. We just chatted with him as he was trimming up our tree. And of course having Eli, we always get the, "how old is he," question. He had a lil' ten month old baby girl. And then we got to talking about family. He mentioned how he just lost his house and is living with his sister in their guest house with his wife and three daughters. He had a business that went under, losing his truck and his house. And right now he was taking on this job as a tree trimmer to help with some money intake. He also was a truck driver, but that wasn't enough as an income for his family.
And here we were buying a ridiculously high priced, over priced tree.
Here we were as a family, enjoying the holiday weekend,
while he was working his butt off, straining his back,
loading up Christmas trees.
As we were driving home, we both realized we really are blessed. Even with Moi's crazy schedule he can take time off. He can stay home on the holidays and not have to worry about how we are gonna manage to pay the bills. We can afford to buy a ginormous tree, but mostly we can give Eli everything we didn't have. Don't get me wrong, Moi works his butt off. He is the hardest working person I have ever come across, and that's not cuz he's my hubby. But we have options. We aren't stuck. If Moi were to lose a job, he can get a new one that same day. Our struggles are how long it's gonna take to pay off our car. Or when can we sell our house so we can start looking for a new one. But really, we need to look at it as, man we got a "new 2011" car, we actually live and own a home. And with all my complaining of Moi and his jobs, I shouldn't be. Cuz those are what give us our netting. It lets us not have to worry about job security.
And then there's family. Family really is "IT!"
With all the money in the world, you can't replace family. Moi's friend just lost his mother. Can you imagine losing your mother right before Christmas?
And then my momma goose. She is such a trooper. She managed to make our turkey and stuffing with pneumonia. Yup, you heard me right. She wasn't supposed too, my sister was going to, but my stubborn madre took over. The night of Thanksgiving she was admitted to the hospital. Poor thing. I missed her so much the day of Thanksgiving. Especially since it was Eli's first. But, I'm so grateful for her and her recovery. I don't look at it as, why did my mom get this AGAIN, or why wasn't she able to attend Eli's first Thanksgiving, but more as I'm so thankful it didn't worsen. Eli will have many more, and I'd rather have her there for all the ones to come than just this one. Life throws you crazy curve balls, it's just how hard you hit them that determines if you go to first base compared to home plate. I hit them so hard I hit a home run :) I never run out of breath. I can't! I never will cuz I'm continuously blessed with all the strikes I get. The strikes in my life just teach me that life isn't perfect, but I learn, examine, and observe them for the next time I'm up to bat.
Gosh really, how many things can I list that I'm so thankful or blessed with in life.
Theres, my wonderful amazing lil' blessing of a son. He brings more smiles to my face everyday. He gives me hope when I feel I've failed. He is my courage and strength when I feel weak. He is the thunder roaring in my ears when I don't wanna hear I am wrong. He is my color when I am somber. He is the beats that pump my heart. He is...He is my everything! I'm so thankful for this lil' blessing.
Then my love. Moises. Oh Moises. He is the man that surprises me out of the blue. The one I prayed for in my dreams, but never thought was real. The man who truly defines the word: father, ambition, love and devotion. He is a God send and I hope he knows how appreciated he is by me, Eli and even the pups. I'm so thankful for his love, his loyalty. The sweet lil' things he does for me, just to do it.
Then my three sweet lil' furbabies. They are my lil' protectors. I'm so thankful for every lil' thing they hear cuz I tell ya it gets quiet at night and their alertness does send a sense of comfort. They are my lil' buddies when Eli is sleeping and Moi is working. They help me see the lighter side of life as their life really doesn't have worry. They really are here for us. A dogs love is one of the best as it truly is unconditional. Their love for me will never go. And I love them for that. I have the best dogs possible. I really do. I love Nahla for her cuddliness. Max for his goofiness. And LuvLuv for her sweetness. Each one bestows a great trait that each pinpoints why I'm so thankful for them.
Then there's my wonderful family. Well to say it in its shortest way possible, they are my ROCK in life. I know if anything were to ever happen, whether it be my personal relationships or whatever may stand in my way, they will always be there. I know my family will never abandon me. And for that I am so amazingly blessed and thankful.
The lil' things I'm so thankful for are: Eli's jumper My mommy jeans How to put air in our tires Hair ties Costco card My doggies clippers Moi's cheap hairdresser Makeup to cover my monster of a face The smell of wet cement after a rain storm My broken glasses I'm still able to wear :) Our corny decorations for Christmas
Lately my Eli has been changing. As in his personality.
As a newborn he was this perfect lil' angel. Then came on the horrible reflux. Which was a good two months or more. And man were those killer months. He was held constantly and got extremely spoiled. So when he's reflux finally subsided he was so used to being held that it was all he wanted. I got some guns on myself from holding him all day long. Slowly, but surely he finally accepted the fact that I wasn't gonna always hold him. His jumper was a lifesaver. But he still fussed, a lot! As Eli learned to hold himself up and with reassurance from me, he got kind of used to the idea of playing by himself on the floor. That lasted for only like 10 mins, but that 10 mins I ran around the house like a mad man trying to get everything and anything done that I could cram into that 10 mins. Then came transitioning him to his crib. Which I thank the Lord, was so easy. He slept so much better and his 10pm bed time went to 9, to 8 to 630. And his nightly wakes stopped slowly. (he still has his moments though:) Then he stopped wanting to be rocked. Which def. hurt. I wasn't too ready for that. He would wake so easily if we held him too long. That was something I wasn't ready for. I love cuddling my lil' love bug. Then came the longer shopping trips. He had his on and off days. The day we took out his infant car seat and replaced it with a convertible car seat or as I call his big boy car seat :) he was an angel. No screaming murder, literally that boy hated his old car seat. I thought he just hated being restrained, but the moment he sat in his new big boy car seat he was so quiet, Moi and I had to keep looking back to check on him cuz he was just too quiet. I think it was just to tight for his body. All his lil' rolls were getting caught up in the car seat. :)
Onto now. He's really a lil' infant. Not a baby. not my booger of a baby. He'll play in his crib while I wake and make my morning coffee and get our things ready for the day. He'll giggle on the floor for minutes on end playing with the puppies and seeing what things he can find. He'll pass out in his car seat only minutes into our car ride.
These past few days he's really changed. He's gone two days in a row without his midday nap and is still in such a good mood. Playing, talking and just relaxing in his stroller. Yesterday we went to Ikea and he was good the whole three hours we were in the store. Today at my photo class he again sat in his stroller, just waiting for mama to be done. On the way home he fussed a lil', but stopped and when we got home he ate and played. He's becoming so amazingly independent. He loves chatting with people and I promise you I hear him say, HI. Really, I so do! When he's watched by my mom or mother in law, we always get good reports back. Eli was amazing.
I love knowing my baby is becoming a big boy. Though there is an underlining sadness that lies beneath the excitement in my face seeing Eli grow. He's really growing up and that part is hard to swallow. This lil' boy that was once in my belly, depending on only me, is soon gonna be a full on fledged walking, talking, let me do this myself, wiggling fiercely out of arms to go play lil' human. Moi says he can't wait till' Eli is older, but I know once Eli hits that age, he's gonna want his cuddly lil' buddy back. I sure know I will. Even when I'm in the moment with my sweet boy, I seem to escape the room as my thoughts go else where, imagining what Eli will be doing a week from now, and then next month from now and then a year from now. It's def. bittersweet. I'm having a blast as we play together and he laughs the loudest laugh, but then the knowing of what will soon be next, makes me take a step back, knowing words are to follow. And I know some of those words won't be so nice of words one day. It shouldn't be this way. But I know I can't stop time from passing or surging on. Can I just escape this fast paced world for something a lil' slow tempo. Where children stay lil', mommy's and daddy's love forever and we all live happily ever after? Ugh, then I'm hit with the reality stick so sudden. I know this is something I gotta get used too, or else I'm just gonna drive myself crazy, like I'm subconsciously doing now.
So today I finally took my photo class. I was so excited to take it and I learned a butt load.
I played around with the photographers camera and gosh how I wish I had his lens. The pix were flawless and I could just take picture after picture. He taught me a lot of secrets within the industry that many photographers would consider non-sense. But I loved how he let me on the insight. He also went over how he edits pix. It was def. a lot of help. I think I have the concept of what is a good and what is a not so good pic. I say not so good pic cuz well really there aren't any bad pix. Every pic you learn from, so I just say they are the not so good pix in my book. I think I need to help perfect my skill though.
Oh by the way I have a Nikon D3100. I originally got it cuz I was hoping to just get "better" pix of lil' man. But I ended up falling in love with taking pictures. My favorite part is editing. This is one step closer to what I hope to make a possible career.
As I was reading The Shack, I came upon this tiny lil' statement that sits so well with me. God never left jesus at the cross when he was crucified. "My God, my god why hast thou forsaken me?" Regardless of how jesus felt at that moment the Lord did not leave him. When all you can see is pain, perhaps then you lose sight of God!
I haven't been able to put this book down and my eye lids are falling down, but I continue to pry them open to read just a few more sentences.
I get a text from my sister, saying, Marisa has got some news for you. Be a sister and happy for her. I knew. I just knew. She's pregnant I thought.
I didn't know how to react. Do I "act" happy for her? Do I tell her I don't think she's ready to have a kid? Do I pass any judgement? Do I just listen to her and let it soak in? I was so lost. Not that I'm this horrible sister that doesn't want my sister to be happy. I was just not ready to hear those words, yet. I was still hoping for a victory of winning Cedes back first. I was hoping to get a text that said instead, Marisa is gonna keep fighting. But, I didn't. So I text my sister back asking for some advice on how I should respond. But that didn't seem to help. I knew when the time was right and Marisa was to tell me, I would just go with how I felt. And that's exactly what I did.
She called me the other night, explaining that she would have liked to have done it in person, but with our crazy schedules and things getting in the way she just wanted me to know. I shocked myself with my own response.
I listened.
I congratulated.
I gave her positive advice.
I was there for her.
I didn't pass any judgement.
I even said, "if your gonna have a lil' girl, I'm gonna die!" Cuz, well I spoiled Cedes rotten. That booger, got and still gets what she wants from me.
It was actually a really good convo. I hung up the phone in good spirits. Like, "I'm proud of you Mireya!"
But then the guilt set in. You see, I think this is where it all stems from. I have a guilt for some reason. A guilt of letting go. If I accept this, then I accept that our Cedes won't ever come back to us. I accept what happened to her, was ok. I accept that everything that happened, never existed. And that just rips deep at my heart. It just brings back so many bad memories. It brings up ugly feelings. Feelings that I shouldn't have for my sister. Why, can't I just let them go. This is my sisters choice to have this baby. This is her life. Not mine. So why can't I seem to come to terms with how she decides to live it. Why can't I let this go, so I can be happy. Don't get me wrong. A child is an absolute blessing. So shouldn't ALL children have the life they deserve? Shouldn't Cedes watch her little brother or sister grow up? Shouldn't she be there to help them grow? I could have a million shouldn't's. This is the point where hurt turns to anger for me. I pray. I pray a lot. Maybe I should pray MORE. Cuz I'm so tired. I'm exhausted from feeling this way. I wanna watch Marisa step by step through her pregnancy. I wanna help look through a bunch of books for baby names. Help set up her baby shower. But mostly be excited to watch Eli and her baby grow up together. But it's just not there. The reality is, that's not our relationship. It won't be that way.
I know if things happened under different circumstances, things would be so different. My feelings towards certain people wouldn't exist. We'd all be jumping for joy for this little peanut that is entering all our lives. But that isn't happening. We are all hiding from it. We are all uncertain on how we should act. I know the way I reacted when she called was genuine. I know I am happy for the baby. I do know that. But am I happy for her in particular? God doesn't just give a person a baby. He's God for goodness sakes. He knows what he's doing. I hope this baby is our answer to ALL of our unanswered questions. I really thought Eli would have done that, but if anything it's brought a hole between my sister and me that is even deeper and darker than before. Something I don't know if we can dig our way out of this time. I hope this baby clears up everything and we can all start fresh. Maybe this baby is what we need. This innocent life. To help us all see the lighter things in life. To remind us that life does continue on. That people do deserve a second chance. I sure hope so. Cuz this baby deserves that. Not to enter into a family with so much animosity. So much hurt, pain and sadness. This baby and Eli deserve to have a relationship. Who are we to take that away from them?! We aren't! God knows his plans for this baby, I just wish he'd give us a heads up on his plans, that sure would help!
So this past Sun was my second "attempt" at attending a photo class. I am so anxious to get started and just wanna get out there and start taking pictures, so I do. A lot. I got four 8GB cards stocked with photos. Mainly of my 3 furbabies and Eli. But I think practice, practice, practice. Why not, I don't got anything to lose, but to gain more knowledge and more understanding of how my camera works.
Well I didn't make it. Eli has been eating every two hours (yes he's going through another growth spurt), so I wasn't able to pump much. So instead of giving him formula I opted out and just decided to wait. Well my sweet love, Moi knew how bummed I was and bought me classes. But these classes weren't with a million other people and I can actually make my OWN appointment instead of viewing classes and choosing from those. He's seriously such a sweety. I love that guy so much. Turns out the guy is gonna let Moi come too, so he can get some pointers and let us bring Eli, so we can practice with him. What?! Yup. That is exactly what I was thinking. I'm so excited and am gonna head over on Sunday. I can't wait. I really am so excited. I really hope to pursue this and turn it into something really big. I was thinking of a family/pet photographer. Oh gosh even newborns. Those pictures are absolutely amazing. Just to capture those first moments of you falling so deep in love with your baby. It would be amazing Not so much engagement or wedding. I couldn't be eight hours away from Eli. Ever! :) I know, I know that kinda sounds dumb cuz well a normal job is 8-5, more than eight hours, but my job is being Eli's mommy right now. So, being away from him THAT LONG, I just can't stand it.
Ne who, I'm hoping Sunday goes good. I would Love, Love, Love to make a studio in our garage. Moi is THE BEST yet again. That guy never ceases to amaze me. Honestly, he is always surprising me with lil' gifts, or flowers. I sure am one lucky lady.
And I mean that with my hands closed together, looking high in the sky, praying oh lordy lord please be with me!
Not much time left until Thanksgiving and this lil' lady has decided to throw it this year at my house. I've never done a Turkey, so we'll see how it goes. But I def. need to practice. Thank goodness for the next few days to perfect, what I know will take a few tries. But I got faith it'll come out good. OR at least I hope ;)
Wish this new mama luck...cuz I know with Eli it'll also be an all day thing.
By the way I got Eli the cutest lil' outfit. I love shopping for that boy. Today we went shopping for a lightweight stroller and man I can only imagine if we had a lil' girl. I think we'd be bankrupt. The lil' girls clothes are so freakin' adorable. Eli has already put us under.. :)
So this year for our Christmas cards I was planning on doing your typical family photo. Well while searching for where and how we should do it I came across this site, which families show how they went about doing their Christmas cards. They were unique ideas and one stood out. It was a lil' boy with chocolate chip cookies in his hands, with a caption that read, "Santa...I can explain!"I thought that would be perfect for Eli and the pups. But instead having crumbs by the pups with cute lil' reindeer hats on while Eli holds a cookie with chocolate all over his chubby cheeks. Then I found this for Lil' man to wear...
How hilarious is this?!
It'll be perfect for my whole theme for our Christmas cards...
with a lil' pow with reindeer ears on our doggies :)
So I was planning on celebrating boogers 6 month birthday, but I thought of doing something a lil' different. Instead of spending all that money on food and drinks for ppl to come over and celebrate Eli's birthday, well half birthday we are gonna donate to a few causes. I thought we could donate in Eli's name. I think this would be an amazing thing to start. I also wanna do a dog food drive for his first birthday and give away a prize to the person who brings the most.
I'm pretty excited about it. We are gonna donate to the shelter we got Nahla at as one of the causes. Not sure what other causes to donate to, but with the holidays coming I know that many more causes will be popping up in my mind. Eli has a quote I put above his closet and he is already doing so much.
Is my baby love really already 6 months old?! Gosh, to me that sounds so old already. 6 months, huh? I can't believe it.
I remember when Eli was just a newborn,
thinking about the holidays and how old he'd be.
What we would be doing.
How his personality would be.
If he would be crawling or attempting too.
How tall or short he'd be :)
If he would be chunky or not.
What toys he'd like.
If I'd still be breastfeeding.
If he'd actually enjoy the holidays or not.
What new foods he'd be trying.
If maybe I could sneak him a lil' pumkin pie for Thanksgiving.
Thinking about ALL the fun lil' outfits I could put him in for the holidays.
Our first family holiday pics. with our pups as well.
I can remember it like yesterday being pregnant with him.
Thinking about just being a mom to a baby.
Actually having a baby.
The anxiety that comes with a baby.
And now here I am with my baby six months later.
And it's so much more.
It's so much more exciting.
More adventurous.
More full filling.
More challenging.
It's a world of unknown till' you actually fill in these shoes.
Being a mommy is like nothing else.
If you think about it,
you have a baby for yourself.
For your own enjoyment.
It's kinda crazy to think of it like that.
But it's so true.
So now that I sit and type this out, I know I'm in for a whirlwind of changes the next six months. In six months from now he'll be eating like a big boy, talking, having a full head of hair, walking. Being a lil' hammy! Playing with the pups. I can't believe how fast they really grow up. Can't God give us just a lil' more time of them staying lil?!
Well my angel love, You are changing by the minute. Your face is changing. Your facial expressions. Lately you've been doing this goofy thing with your eyes, where you'll squint them or slowly bat your eyelashes then have this goofy smile to follow. It's actaully hilarious to watch.
You LOVE solids. Absolutely LOVE them. Your fav I would say is pears. You've tried:pears, peas, bananas and sweet potatoes. Today you tried avocado, but you weren't a big fan of that. You love to eat anything mommy is eating. I always let you try my food if I'm eating any fruits or vegetables. And so far you love it when I'm eating apples. You munch on those things like crazy. You love to suck on them. Well buddy, mommy tried giving you whole foods without smashing them and you were doing good at exploring them and feeling them, but when it came time to putting them in your mouth they'd be slippery or you couldn't grasp them and you were just not patient. You were getting so frustrated that you couldn't eat them, so I decided to hold off on that. I give you chunky food instead. You still have to chew it and by the way you LOVE chewing your food, but I give it to you in bites on a spoon. You do great!
You're sitting up pretty much on your own, but still have moments of tipping over. I think it's cuz you got daddy's head size. Blame papa! :) I think once you FULLY master that you'll be crawling cuz your so ready. You get up on your knees and arms, but then you try to go forward and hit face first. That really upsets you. Have I told you, you are just a lil angry gremlin when you can't accomplish something. Yup!
You've slowed down A LOT on your growing. I think you barely gained a lb in the last two months. Your still eating like a mad man, every 3 hrs. Right now your eating every 2 hrs, but I think that is cuz you are teething. Man are you teething lil' man. And then comes the cold. So far every time your teeth come in so does that annoying cold of yours. It bothers you so bad and now this time you got a lil' cough to go along with it. No fever, so until then no need to go to the docs. I'm hoping though with some pedialite and your humidifier you'll get better faster and quicker.
Lets see, you still love your paci's. I only try to give them to you when your sleeping though, but you def. know what they are now. When you see your paci's you grab them and pop them straight in your mouth. You went up to size 4 in diapers, you got some legs on you. You eat about 7-8 oz. when you take a bottle. You no longer like to be held when your sleeping. You wake up easily. When I go check on you, I have to tipy toe in your room. Your on a good schedule, you take 2 naps during the day and go mimi by 7. You are pretty good about sleeping. You'll wake, eat and go rite back mimi.
You just don't like TV. At all, so I found a way to keep you occupied while mama gets her morning breakfast. I put you infront of the window and you can just stare outside for hrs. You love to be outside. You love feeling the grass on the floor. I can't wait till your cold goes away so we can start playing in the front yard.
You're really starting to laugh hard. I love it when I can get you to laugh hard. You laugh mainly at the pups. Especially your girl Nahla. You and her are best buds.
You are my lil Rollie Pollie.
The other day I caught you and LuvLuv playing together. I was cracking up. You guys were rolling all over together. It was so cute. You got some pretty fun doggies bud.
You are a pro in your jumper. You handle that thing like a champ. You now know how to turn in it. By far your fav thing. We got you a walker and your learning how to use that. Thank goodness for all these things cuz I don't know how long you could last just chillin' on the floor. I gotta feeling your gonna be a kid who needs to constantly be challenged, but hates to do things slow. I see sports in your future. You are obsessed with the swings at the park. That is your new love. I love to see how happy you are when you swing in them.
Honestly Eli, Mommy is so proud of you. You are my perfect lil' angel!
I miss my hubby. A lot. A lot, A lot. He works nites, so that takes away all cuddle nites, even though I am one who needs my space, I miss hugging him. I just miss his smell. And lately, we haven't had much time to spend together. Something ALWAYS comes up and what we had planned for that day gets bulldozed over and on to a whole new day of new plans. He also works three days out of the week, which makes it that much harder. Extremely hard. And not to mention his call he takes while taking on his other two jobs. Yes, this guy is crazy. We aren't your typical young couple, with a five day, 8-5 job. Moi works so hard to give us a good life. A life really of no worries. We have a house that we actually pay a mortgage on, a new car, three dogs that are all under their own policy for insurance (if you can believe that), but none of that matters to me. The one thing I ask Moi to give me, he hands it to me on a silver platter. The fact that I can stay home with our sweet boy. I can enjoy Eli and be the first one to capture all his "firsts." Moi gives me that oppurtunity and I'm seriously one lucky lil' gal. He really is such an amazing man. I know though he needs a break. A big one. One he so deserves. I don't know yet what it is, but I gotta surprise that boy with something GOOD, I mean good this year for Christmas. I keep thinking what I should get him. I think of something I think he'll like, but it just doesn't seem to be good enough. I know the lil' things I plan on getting him, but I wanna really surprise him. I was thinking of a season pass to go snow boarding. I know he'd be so surprised. But then I think, will he use it enough. Gosh, that boy is kinda hard to shop for cuz of his hectic schedule.
So ne who, I'm missing Moi AGAIN tonite. Nothing new. I don't wanna be selfish cuz I know that once Eli starts school, he'll be around for Lil' E during the day. That was our whole process of why he took this nite shift job. But rite now, in my selfish manner, I want him to just call out sick, just for a few days. Just a few, then he can go back :) I sure love him. Last nite I was asking him, while watching a romantic movie, if he thought we were soul mates. And how he knew we were. He just looked at me and smiled. And said yes, we had so many times where we could have given up and never did. And that is so true. We of course had our young love. Meaning teenage love, but as we got older we were really tested throughout our relationship. We stuck by each other. We have def. grown so much together. It's so crazy how much we've grown. For the good and bad. But the bad we've learned from each other and from it. It's incredible that we were just babies when we met. And now we are with a baby of our own. Sometimes I can't wrap my mind around it. It's just so crazy. But good crazy :) We've made it this far. And after all the years, I still miss him. I'm not bored, just yet :) I love to think of our days when we are old, saggy and wrinkly with hair where it shouldn't be and giving the world the middle finger cuz we just don't care, sitting on our porch in our home in Julian. Sitting on acres and acres with toys for ALL our grandbabies and a whole load of doggies running the place. Living the dream.
Looking back at all my posts I'm so deep in thought. To be honest, I'm actually a very flying free spirit as some would call me. I'm usually never the "one" who is a deep thinker, but when I come onto my blog, so many memories and thoughts flood my mind that I don't let out. So I type, just type away till I have no more to say. Hey that rhymed :)
But in all actuality I'm a very happy person, who needs to just release all my emotions. Cuz well I'm really not an emotional person to many. I hate to cry in front of people or show any form of vulnerability. Sometimes I think I should go to a shrink to let it all out cuz I hate to complain to people, who really wants to hear ALL your sorrows, pains, just overall emotions. I know how I feel when someone comes to me with theirs and I have NO clue how to react to them. So I can imagine me doing that to someone else. This blog is such a great release for me. It kinda is my personal shrink. Even if no one is reading it, or I don't get responses back. It listens and listens. Never judges or puts in its two cents. I like that. Having this. One day when I'm old and saggy I can look back and read all my inner thoughts and emotions. It's a great escape.
So when I was in the hospital after giving birth to lil' chunkers, I realized when we got home that I had only one or two pics of me and lil' man the WHOLE time we were at the hospital. I was a lil' mad at Moi for not taking more pics cuz I had a bunch of him and lil' man during that time. I was actually extremely upset. So the other day, Moi's tia emailed him a few pics. I browsed through them and noticed two pics of us at the hospital. My face had the biggest smile. I was so happy and excited she had those. I had NO pics like that. It was the best. It didn't even bother me that I looked absolutely hideous, but I saw it like, look it's me and my baby. I was in the moment! I couldn't thank his tia enough. I was so happy and every time I see these pics, I just wanna hug my baby through the screen. I fall in love!!
My mom has been spitting up blood and we aren't sure why. She has always had health issues from when I can remember. Her asthma has always been a big problem in her life and so has her lungs. I so wish Christmas wishes existed. My ONE wish would to heal my mom of all her elements from her bad knees, to her arthritis, to her thyroid, but mainly her lungs. So she could just be happy and live life. My sister texted me telling me our other sister brought my mom back antibiotics from Mexico cuz she had a bad toothache and she knew it was infected. Instead of going to the doctors my mom is always diagnosing herself. I'm not gonna lie, most of the time she is pretty spot on, but with her age and health she shouldn't be messing around with that kind of stuff anymore. To many her spitting up blood would seem tremendous or even scary, but to us, sounds kind of sad, but we are used to it. Not that we are ok about the whole situation, but we know how it goes now. My concern now is, how much longer is this gonna go on? The thought of never being able to call her again, or just meeting up for lunch or our dumb stupid lingo we do, never having that again isn't a thought I even want to process. It's not even worth thinking about cuz she CAN'T leave us, just yet. We would ALL be a mess without her. I know it would separate all five of us brothers and sisters. Things between us would never be the same. Our mother is our super glue. I mean the glue that you cant remove. Not some cheapy Elmer's glue, but the gorilla glue. The strongest glue possible. That's my mother. If you were to meet her, you would have NO clue as to what she's been through. She hides most of the time behind her loud voice or outgoing persona. But she is def. beat up pretty bad. I'm so proud that she has gotten off a lot of her meds, but still it's not enough. So today I ask for just a simple prayer. A prayer asking for God to just heal her. Or even more simpler just ask God to let her be ok. Please, she is really all I got left. All five of us got left. We'd all be in shambles. A mother is something special. Unlike a father, mothers make EVERYTHING better!! She is my best friend! I can truly say that from the deepest part of my heart!
So if you don't know I'm absolutely obsessed with Elvis. It's kinda my connection to my father as he sang his songs ALL the time (one of my few memories of him) and he reminds me of my mom, so he has special place in my heart. Well I love his voice and his songs. So I was hoping for me and Moi's first dance at our wedding next Dec. that we could dance to one of Elvis' songs, but only one song popped out. Can't Help Falling In Love was "it," but the power of how Elvis sings it was a lil' overbearing for me.
So as I was watching a trailer on tv for a new movie I heard it, but it was sung by someone else. I immediately went online to search the singer of that song. My song. It was Ingrid Michaelson. How did I NOT know that?! I'm like only in love with her voice and music. Of course I was way too excited and downloaded it asap-a-roo! I love it. I love it so much. It's gonna be perfect for our first song. It's amazingly perfect. I can't wait.
Today I took a CPR infant and 1st aid class that lasted for 6 of the LONGESThours of my life. My mom took them with me, so she'll know what to do if ever she watches lil' man. I'm glad we both went together or we would have been bored out of our minds, we tend to keep each other entertained :) Honestly, I learned way more than I thought I would. It taught me ALL the ins and outs I need to know for Lil' man. But gosh, was I dying. I know I need to let go a little of Lil' man, but it's so hard. Moi stayed home with him while his mom came to visit. The reason I say this is cuz lately I've been having horrible anxiety with people around Eli. My mom and two sisters are really the only people I feel comfortable with around, or holding Eli, so knowing Moi's mom was here, with NO control of mine over it kinda killed me. Earlier this week, Moi had wanted to surprise me with dinner classes and planned on leaving Eli with his mom for 3 plus hours. I wasn't having it. I was having horrible anxiety about it and finally broke down to Moi, explaining that I was JUST NOT READY for anyone, but my mom to watch Eli.
So after a day of class and getting my sister ready for the Marine Corp. Ball, I headed home to see Eli in Moi's mom's arms. He was FINE. Nothing wrong and actually in a GOOD mood. It kinda burned a lil' cuz he wasn't even excited to see me. NO arms out reaching for me, NO smile. NO nothing. I was heartbroken. More than heartbroken. The one thing that I thought LOVED to see me, had no excitement in his face. NO giggle. And as I grabbed him sadly from her arms I also realized something. That Eli is perfectly fine without mama. That I can LET go. I can do it. And I don't need it to be just my family or my mom. It def. stings to know that Eli is becoming more independent and doesn't need me as much, so I need to accept that. I'll let go, but SLOWLY. I can do an hour here and hour there. I still need to adjust to it. But I know I'm hurting more than Eli is. He's fine. And I know eventually I will be too.
