He's missing out

So lately I've been talking to a cousin of mine from my dads side. I don't know many others from my dads side. It actually saddens me tremendously. Lately, my father has been on my mind, a lot. More than I'd like. He really has never been more than a thought, but since Eli has been born I've been thinking about him almost everyday. I guess much of it has to do with the fact that he's not here to see his one grandson. I know he wasn't there for me as a child, but why miss out on your grandchild. Isn't a grandpa supposed to be "that" hero to a lil' boy? I'm so thankful that Moi's dad loves Eli so much, but it doesn't make up for what my father is missing out on. If anything it hurts more. To see that. To see Moi's dad playing, hugging, loving up on Eli and knowing that my dad will never have that opportunity. He will never know Eli. He will never love Eli that way. That Eli will never know my father just as I have never known him. That the only way my Eli will associate my dad, is through a few pics I have of him or few memories I bring up. Sometimes in my mind I make up a version of the dad I wished I had. Thinking he was this amazing man. Thinking back to when I was little, playing dress up with me. Talking about what I'm gonna be when I grow up. Making sure my dresses weren't TOO short. Or yelling at the boys I would sneak to talk on the phone with. Teaching me how to drive. Making sure my brothers weren't to rough with me. Letting me have anything I wanted :) Crying when he found out he was gonna be a grandpa and crying more when I tell him it's A BOY! And me crying with him cuz I know how much he'll love my son. I just so wanna believe he will come knocking on my door and I will scream with excitement and throw my arms around him. Thinking he will see Eli for his first everything from Halloween to his birthday. Bringing the biggest and best presents to him. I convince myself he wasn't such a horrible person. That he "was" there for us. He was the perfect father. That I do have memories of him. But then reality hits me and I know none of that is real. It's a figment of my imagination that I so desperatly dream of. I guess I need that sometimes. Just to dream, imagine. To get me by. In all reality I'll never have that. Cuz he's gone. He's been gone for the past seventeen years. He's never gonna come back and surprise me. 


The whole process of how he passed was a total shock to my system. He got sick. Called us once or twice. Came by the house. And then I get a call from his mom, screaming, "My sons dead!" I can remember being the one to answer that phone call and it rings in my ear so clearly. I first heard those words. Why, why was I the first to hear them? 


I promised myself, that I would never Love a man like that. My children's father would be nothing like my father, but then I think about that and what a horrible feeling to know that I never want my husband to be like what my father was. A girl should strive for a man like her father in her life. But not mine. I sometimes wonder if he ever loved me. If he knew what he was breaking that will never be repaired. If he knew that I so wanted to be the daughter he loved rather some child he gave child support too. My mom promises me he loved me, when he was "good", as she calls it, but is that her way of covering it up for me, so I can have some kind of clarification that my father was a decent man. That at one time in his selfish life I mattered to him. My brother mattered to him. I want to believe it. I really do. I wanna know that I was loved at one point, even if it was for a short time, for a min, or even that second.    


A father is such a big deal in any child's life. A mother will ALWAYS be there for their child, but a father needs to show that approval. That proud father look they give the child, for the child to really feel excepted. It's crazy how much it's needed. 


Moi has full filled his dadly position to Eli. He already has been so amazing and Eli isn't even a year old. I always tell myself, you've done good Mireya. Moi makes it a point to give Eli kisses and love. He knows the importance of it. How much Eli will become a better person because he's part of turning him into one. 


I just wish my dad was here. To watch me be a mother. To watch him be a grandpa. To watch him and my mom be grandparents together. I sure hope he knows that I do miss him. Believe it or not cuz he's my father. I do love him. I wish I could just hug him once more. And give him one last kiss and tell him that I wish he didn't leave. I revert back to that eight year old. Please daddy know even after everything I went through, what I would do for one day with you. Ask you questions. Know if you loved me, truly. Know if you would've loved Eli. Why you left. Would you have changed if you see now what your missing out on? Tonight I hope to see him in my dreams. I just need answers. Cuz dad your really missing out. Your missing out so much!