Moi went in today....
And well like I mentioned before nothing will really reveal much today cuz it was more for info and a day of referrals. And of course a butt load of blood work.
So next Thurs he goes to get another ultrasound. From there they will get a biopsy and I am continuing to pray.
I actually sat down the other night to take my nightly break of tely :) That is the only time I can get in anytime to watch my shows :)
And it just popped in my mind. What if I lose Moi?!
Like any marriage we go through our battles. And lately mine has been a battle of rekindling our love again. Which I can FINALLY see it coming back. The other night we went out I felt like our old selves, foolish teens being goofy and dumb. And it was such a great feeling.
But as I sat there, with my mind completely off the tely and off in a world of unknown, tears started to form. I know that I have absolutely no control over any of this. And all I can do is leave my hopes and faith in the hands of our Jesus Christ. But at times my hope and faith slip further than I can see it and I return back to those horrible feelings of what if?!
What if Eli has to grow up fatherless? I would never put that on anyone cuz I know the feeling of how it burns to see all my friends with their fathers, while I watch on.
What if Moi goes through pain? What if I can't do this? What if I lose the one man I thought I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with? That one hurts the most.
From that moment I promised in front of God and my mother that I would LOVE Moi and support him through life, no matter what the challenges I promised myself as well that I would FIGHT to the end. But what if the end is near?!
I know this could be a simple lil' lump that can be removed, but my mind floats away to thoughts of things I hate to imagine. I think a big part of it is due to the fact that I have lost so many things so close to me. Things I loved so dearly. Gone in a flash! I think that is also where my anxiety comes from when I think of losing Eli. I just can't imagine losing that old fart :) Cuz he's my old fart. My hiking loving, goofy laughing, ambitious, cuddly, loving man. No matter if this outcome is good or bad, it has made me realize how much I do still love that man. How I can't imagine a life with out him. He is my softer, calmer, better spoken, optimistic other half.
So today Moi had to attend a training seminar for a new ultrasound machine. So as practice, the techs including Moises, tested it on each other.
Well.....
Unfortunately, the tech that practiced on Moi found a nodule on his thyroid gland. It's basically a lump. Could be benign or more serious. It was found accidently, but I'm so happy it was. He already has a doc. appointment on Wed., so I guess it'll be what we will be talking about now.
My feelings are unsure right now, but I'm just gonna pray. I know I can't do much more and worrying will just make Moi more tense and me as well.
I just hate that he's gonna have to get another ultrasound, then get a referral to a specialist all to just get that darn thing tested. I just hope the biopsy isn't painful. Moi has done a few of them and said it looks a lil' harsh ... OUCH!!
So that's where we stand.....WAITING...UGH! I hate it
Well today was a day that, well, wasn't exactly as we thought.
We went to church. Got Eli all handsome and I got the guts to take him to the nursery. He gets so bored sitting with us for an hour. So I figured I'd give it a shot and it might help with my separation anxiety. Yes, you heard that right. I am having a hard time letting go. But what first time mama doesn't?! So I took him in and he was so excited he didn't even give me a big kiss. Which kinda broke my heart :(
So as I was sitting next door (literally) I decided to go check in on him. Poor buddy, it broke my heart. He was crying. And I mean crying hard. They have a window you can look in on the babies, but the babies can't see you. So I gave it a lil' while and watched. But Eli just continued to cry. So of course I came in to rescue my poor baby from that evil, evil woman. (as Eli would say if he could.) But she was actually absolutely sweet. She tried so hard to help him out, but all he wanted was to see a familiar face. Eli was the only kid crying the whole time. Ya catch in on that? I stayed the whole time. Eli would NOT let me leave his sight. But I figure it could possibly stir this way. As Eli has only stayed with family. And Gymboree I stay with him. But I think it'll take some time. I know he'll come around. It just hurt to see him cry in fear. It was a different cry. I honestly wanted to just fly through those doors with a cape and rescue my baby from her arms. I was looking in and thinking they weren't holding him right. Or he doesn't like those kind of toys. What can I say, other than I'm totally guilty of spoiling that booger :) So end result, it took a lot out of Eli and he ended up passed out for three hours.
So once Eli woke and ate, Me and Moi decided to go shooting. I need to start learning how to shoot a gun cuz it's just something good to know. But the range was an hour and half wait and I had no milk on reserve :), so we went on a lil' date.
I felt like a teen again. We did a lil' game of lazer tag and then went back to a place that had so many memories. We went mini golfing. I even got some lil' flutters in my tummy, like it was our first date. I can't tell you how much we needed that. And how much I thought I didn't need it. With Moi working a lot I go out a lot with just me and Eli and in my mind I always think, oh I don't need Moi. I'm good by myself. But I didn't realize how much I enjoy Moi being around. I miss him. A lot. And having him around this weekend when we visited the Wild Animal Park, or just going to church I realized I do need Moi more than I think. It's a good reminder. And this weekend couldn't have been better!!!
Growing up in a family of five, I thought, heck I'm gonna have a huge family too.
I loved having brothers and sisters, but it's so different when you grow up and actually have a child.
I did. And now all I want and need is my son. My boy Eli.
My mom would Always tell me, that the love for your own child is beyond words. It's something that can't be explained or even believable because it is truly that amazing. Being pregnant I couldn't wait for that kind of love. But my mom was right, even pregnant I thought I loved Elijah the way my mom expressed it to me. But I was wrong.
Nine months ago my love was so new for Eli. These past months, I can't believe it hasn't even been a year yet, but I have deeply fallen so much in love with this lil' boy that it is what my mom said, "It's unexplainable!" My life no longer exists without Eli's name in it.
It's so crazy to think that when you fall in love with your spouse, you two have to get to know each other. Date. See if this person can be someone you really can spend everyday with. As a couple you face challenges together, being a strain on your relationship. Making you face what the future might hold as a couple. But with your child you don't get to know them, you don't know who they will be or how they will act. You know absolutely nothing, but this child still grasps a part of your heart that you never knew existed until you had that child. And that's why it's called unconditional love.
I'm not gonna lie. I wanted a lil' girl and when I found out that I was having a boy, I was a lil' disappointed. More for the fact that I really thought it was a girl. But that all faded when I had Eli. Eli is such a perfect fit for me and Moi, I couldn't imagine another baby filling in that spot. And now ALL I want is Eli. I don't really care if we never have a girl. In the beginning after having Eli, I still had in my mind that I wanted a lil' girl. But now with time passing, it's clear that Eli fills that void I thought I once had. His hugs and kisses are more than anything in this world. He's my treasure. And to be completely honest if I never had another child, I would not be regretful for it. Because Eli is ALL I WILL EVER NEED!!!
Yup, my lil' man. You've hit your 9 month birthday and I gotta say it's def. bittersweet.
I love how everyday you grow cuter and cuter and my love for you deepens, but I def. don't like how nine months ago only felt like a few days ago. I don't like how you literally change over nite. You go from just crawling to pulling yourself up on everything and now you're taking steps. One foot in front of the other.
So lil' dude. We have officially booked your location for your 1st birthday and though many tell your mama and pops that you won't remember it, I know you will. (wink) So we booked a place we know will be perfect for your Superhero party. Yes, it was a lil' pricey, but no amount of money equals what you have given us this past nine months, so we figure we can show you how much we LOVE you by throwing you the most amazing 1st birthday any special lil' boy will and has ever had. Any who, I also did your nine month pictures. And thank goodness for your Suganana, who without her I would have prob. lost my mind. It was hot today and I'm just thankful she drove all the way down here to help me out. You looked so darn cute, by the way. I honestly wanna put you into baby modeling. I need to SHOW the world my adorable baby. Cuz you really are so darn adorable.
So Lil' E here is a preview. This mama has to do a lil' editing so these are just lil' drafts, but I think you deserve a lil' preview, afterall, you were such a great sport through out the whole shooting of it!
Well buddy,
We no longer think you have a hearing problem. One day you just started blabbering. You say mama, but it's not for me. Ya booger. I starting saying num, nums when I would feed you so know you say mama for food. But heck I'll take it ;) You also say dada and papa. And you KNOW who your papa is. I love seeing your face lite up when he walks through the door from work. It's so cute. You reach out for him and you two just connect. I can't wait till' you're walking and you hear him walking through the door and I hear your lil' footsies running to jump into your daddy's arms.
You are the best lil' eater I know. You never ever skip a meal. You practically can eat the same as a lil' toddler. I love taking you out to eat at restraunts. It's hilarious cuz the floor looks like a food fite just happened. I usually will order you a side of broccolli and share mine or daddy's food with you. At home you love sharing your food. And now you feed the dogs. You always make sure to throw some food on the floor for the pups, and boy do they love you for that.
You crawl everywhere now. I have to contstantly vaccuum and mop. Oh and you LOVE, LOVE, LOVE climbing the stairs. You're pretty good at it. I just always make sure to stand rite behind you.
You do enjoy your play area, but prefer to crawl and play around the house instead. You even crawl up my leg now when you are getting sleeping so I can pick you up. It's actually very cute.
You got your 9 month check up next week and I'm honestly not sure your weight or height. It really slowed down around 5 months, so I'm guessing 22 lbs and 29 in., but we'll see. Which I will post.
You got 6 teeth and more coming. Today was a not so good day. I now know when you're teething it's time to get out. You like to be out and about rather than staying in the house.
Oh I think by far the funniest thing about you is your connection to the theme song to the King of Queens show. We have the whole season and that is ALL I ever watched when I was prego with you, and the moment you hear that song your in a trance. It's hilarious to watch. You also LOVE music. And you got an arm on you. So I see my lil' guitar playing songwriting football player in your future. I just love ya buddy and so proud of what an amazing lil' man you are becoming!!!
In the dictionary family is defined as a whole of some sort. Whether household, race, fellowship or clan.
But my family is beyond that. We are something rare. My family is something you read out of a novel or see in a movie. My cousin said it perfectly, "friends and partners are people we choose in our life, but family is something the Lord chooses for us. And man am I blessed to have been chosen to have been put in this family!"
The passing of my grandfather definitely defined us a whole again. The support of one another helped everyone through this time. Deaths can push people apart. They can cause havoc. But nope not us. We became stronger. We grew closer and we realized all together how amazing our family is. How important it really was to see each other. knowing that we weren't the only ones experiencing something so emotional. So physically and emotionally draining. But we all stood together holding hands in prayer.
I always knew how wonderful my family was, but this just reminded me why I truly love my family. Why I know, no matter what I will always have them by my side. I think it reminded us all how truly blessed we all are to have one another.
With everything going on with my tata's death and all the arrangements that need to be made, I still felt all the love from my two sweet boys. Eli surprised me with a beauty-full bouquet of roses.
And Moi hand dipped some yummy strawberries and he and Eli together took me to our favorite spot. D'Lish! And let me tell ya that place is outta of this world. The absolute best Italian restaurant.
Of course Eli was our entertainment of the nite being a goofball. He actually threw his first tantrum. He wanted to eat a lemon, but he had sucked on it so much that it was falling apart, so I took it from him and he was not a happy camper. But we laughed our way through it and got Eli to the car to give him some booby milk :)
We also managed to pull off some cute shots for his Valentines he's gonna hand out.
To a man who I truly only knew for a few good months. The circumstances were not of the best, but I'm so glad I got to meet the loving, caring, goofy grandfather that some of my cousins already knew of.
He went in for a perforated intestine and with his diagnosis came along a long list of possibilities. Possibilities that many of my tias weren't ready to face. Death.
Death is something no one really wants to face, even when it's staring at you in the eyes.
But that's really what it came down too. With my tata's kemo it was a challenge.
So we sat and waited. Waited to get back hopeful results of what we all so wanted to be. We were praying and hoping the surgery would go smoothly and soon our Tata would be waking up. But instead it took a turn for the worse. His blood pressure severely dropped and that was it. They needed to stop the surgery as soon as possible or he could have lost his battle right then and there on the gurney. While our whole family poured into the waiting room and by the word "pour" I mean took every seat in the waiting room. We actually were asked to moved becuz we were just taking up to much space and no other families were able to wait. So as we waited minute after minute, hour after hour it became clear that he wasn't improving. Our hopes of finishing up the surgery were slowly dimishing and we knew his meet with Jesus was closer each passing moment.
I woke up this morning of day 3 and just hearing my mommy's voice, I felt desperation. I could sense her once hopeful deamenor was now just that of a sad daughter losing her father. "They are letting him go today!" That was really her only words. I knew the first day he went in for emergency surgery. I sat with my sister and told her, I know he's not gonna make it. Again my senses kicked in, when I wished they wouldn't have, but I guess in a way it prepares me more. We all said our good-bye's and were ready to let him go see our Nana. Finally he could see his true love once again and that was what was keeping everyone as ease. Knowing he wasn't gonna be alone anymore. I feel that my tata's condition has been pretty bad for awhile, but he was tired. He was ready to go. He was over living this life of pain. We all watched as he took his last breathes. He had most of ALL his grandchildren and children surrounding him with love and prayer. But let me tell ya he went with a fight. I think the most touching part was when our tia from Oregon finally arrived to see him, minutes later he passed. As if he was waiting for her. To finally see his daughter, who he hadn't seen in years. His kids were all together and he was at peace. It was so peaceful. He now has a Valentines date with someone who he's been waiting to see for over thirty years. You can't get a better Vday present than that if you ask me!
Well I sure don't.
I truly believe there are a few people out there for each one of us, it just depends when we meet these people and how they will affect our lives.
So onto why I'm saying this.
Last nite me and my madgy (mom) went to go see 'The Vow' and let me tell ya it was so inspiring. It wasn't your typical corny, lets fall in love and be head over heels for each other. It was REAL! Which a lot of romantic movies really aren't!! I really loved it. It got me to thinking how much I wish I still had that with Moi. Yes I know it was a movie, but I wish that "love" that feeling was still there. I miss how I used to look at Moi. I want to feel that again!
I know all I talk about on here is my sweet Eli, well cuz let's face it, he's a perfect lil' being that should be talked about ALL the time. But I need to mention my Moises. Or Moi as I mainly call him.
To say it lightly Moi is the hardest working man that I've truly ever known. No, not cuz he is my hubby. Or just cuz I'm being bias. I don't ever recall Moi not having a job the seven years we've been together. And his commitment to his family never ceases to impress me. Especially the moment we found out that our Lil' booger butt was gonna be here in 9 months. And let me tell ya, 9 months really isn't that long. It flew by like nothing. But Moi as prepared as he is, was a lil' stressed. I sensed it the first few months I was prego. But he never really talked to me about it. I think a lot of it was cuz he didn't wanna stress me out. I knew we were gonna be okay, but Moi went to the extremes and wanted to make sure all his t's were crossed and i's were dotted. He wanted to be sure, that when Eli was here, we would have absolutely no worries. And that's what he did. I have never lost a feeling of security the whole time I was pregnant and not even now. I knew I wanted to stay home. That was our number 1 priority. I didn't care I couldn't finish up school or needed to take a break from Culinary school, I knew NO one was gonna take care of my baby but me. But the driving force behind it all was my wonderful Moi. He made sure he would make it happen. Neither of us, could imagine something ever happening to Eli cuz we had to both work. What really hit hard, was during the time I was pregnant, I was introduced to a horrible story of a woman who lost her baby at the sitters house. That was my absolute worse fear. Losing my Eli. I tell ya, typing it out now, I get teary eyed. My eyes well up be cuz that thought is something NO parent should have to even process. So with me and Moi hand in hand, we both prepared ourselves that the first few months were gonna be hard and I wasn't gonna see Moi a lot of the time, but it was the best interest of Eli and eventually us as well. We were able to put money aside and FINALLY Moi was able to quit working 2 days. Not meaning 2 full days. No, this man had 2 full-time jobs. One in the morning working at a Perinatal clinic and the second at Scripps hospital for the graveyard shift. Can you imagine working that much, to still come home and tend to your wife and child. But Moi did. And Moi was drained. But he never once complained. I'd see him come home literally exhausted, bags underneath his eyes and he never, ever threw it in my face about why he was so tired. When we all knew it was due to his 2 jobs. And the fact that he was working those 2 jobs, so I, myself, could stay home and take care of our baby boy.
You see, Moi could have said, No! He could have asked me to go back to work, so he didn't have to take on the brunt of the work. He could have complained over and over. He could have only taken on one job and we could have lived paycheck to paycheck. Eli could have been watched in a daycare with a million other kids. But that's just not the man he is. He made sure his family was taken care of. He made sure that I could stay home. He made sure that we weren't living paycheck to paycheck. And most importantly he made sure I had no worries. I can't imagine doing this without him. Having Eli, definitely tested our marriage. A baby is a huge change, but it made us stronger in the end. I can't tell you enough how amazing Moi is. And at times I know I give him the guilt trip about working too much, but I need to remind myself why. Eli is my constant reminder of why I am able to see his face from the moment he wakes to the moment he closes those sweet eyes. Cuz of Moi. And yes we are a team and I know taking care of a baby isn't the easiest job, but being a mommy is the hardest, but best job I could have ever asked for. Moi doesn't get that privilege of being with Eli all day, cuz he works. He works for us. And I can't thank him enough for what an amazing father, husband and Godly man he is!
Just starring at lil' mans monitor.
Watching his sweetness sleeping.
How did I ever live without him?!?! How did I manage to smile without him?!?! How did I feel whole without him?!?!
Now it seems like I've always had him.
And all I can do is truly thank the Lord for such an amazing blessing : my son, Elijah!
I can't say I was your typical kid.
I was always over dramatic or made things more than what they were. A simple fall was a car crash, a secret was top secret. But something that I always had as a child was that "gut feeling." I think truly everyone has it, but don't really read too into it. Oh, but I did. Intuition, seeing into the future, what ever you wanna call it, I just say it's a gut feeling. My mom has it too. She can tell you she has a good or bad feeling about something and most of the time she's right. It's a lil' bizarre if ya ask me and honestly I thought it was just a fluke thing. Till' that day came. It was the year of 01' and I kept seeing 11. 11:11 was always on the clock. It was everywhere. I remember specifically that summer my sister was coming home from a trip and her flight was coming in at 11pm. I told my mom to call her and tell her NOT to fly on that flight. I honestly thought it was gonna crash. Then nothing. She came home and of course my mom yelled at me for saying something so ridiculous. Then my birthday. It's Aug. 11th. And I knew it was gonna be a day of anxiety. All day, I thought something was bound to go wrong. I didn't wanna celebrate and just stayed home. And again nothing. I thought I was being my over dramatic self and even though I continued to see the number 11, I brushed it off. The Sept. 11th happened and my heart dropped. My mom and sisters both were a lil' freaked as was myself. I was also a lil' obsessed about it. Why?! I honestly don't know why. I kept all the papers from that day and days to come. To this day I tell people about it and they think I'm absolutely crazy. Sometimes I do too. But I'm reconfirmed when my mom and sisters back me up.
And when my sister lost Cedes to her father I knew it. That day I knew we had lost our angel. I so wanted my heart to feel different, but I just felt it. I knew my Max was gonna pass. That day we got the call, I remember thinking ALL day we were. When they called and told us Max was ok and we were able to get him, I knew something just wasn't right. And it wasn't. Seconds later, we got that horrible call that he just stopped breathing.
And now. I just have this overwhelming feeling of loss. My 26th birthday this summer does NOT sit well with me. I don't see myself older. I don't imagine Eli being older. Or growing old with Moi. It may be just something we all go through. Especially with ALL this change, but I just can't see it. Nothing is clear to me. It's not even a faze. It's just not there. I've felt a lil' stressed about it. I've been thinking that someone is in our house. And I'm overly obsessed with looking at Eli's monitor cuz I think someone is gonna break in and take my Eli. Lately it's been an awful fear of mine. My monster has been extremely calm with me. Which, is very rare of his personality. Anyone who knows him, knows he's a maniac. He's presence around me is just a calm, relaxed, mellow dog. He even nudges in between my arms or legs to hug me. Like he can sense something as well. It's this intense feeling of not being around for some odd reason. I've told my family and Moi about it, but they get upset at me and just kinda ignore it. I wish I could, but I think of it every single day. It tears up at me. I just hope that it's just a feeling and nothing more. But my heart is telling me something else and I hate it!
