And well like I mentioned before nothing will really reveal much today cuz it was more for info and a day of referrals. And of course a butt load of blood work.
So next Thurs he goes to get another ultrasound. From there they will get a biopsy and I am continuing to pray.
I actually sat down the other night to take my nightly break of tely :) That is the only time I can get in anytime to watch my shows :)
And it just popped in my mind. What if I lose Moi?!
Like any marriage we go through our battles. And lately mine has been a battle of rekindling our love again. Which I can FINALLY see it coming back. The other night we went out I felt like our old selves, foolish teens being goofy and dumb. And it was such a great feeling.
But as I sat there, with my mind completely off the tely and off in a world of unknown, tears started to form. I know that I have absolutely no control over any of this. And all I can do is leave my hopes and faith in the hands of our Jesus Christ. But at times my hope and faith slip further than I can see it and I return back to those horrible feelings of what if?!
What if Eli has to grow up fatherless? I would never put that on anyone cuz I know the feeling of how it burns to see all my friends with their fathers, while I watch on.
What if Moi goes through pain? What if I can't do this? What if I lose the one man I thought I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with? That one hurts the most.
From that moment I promised in front of God and my mother that I would LOVE Moi and support him through life, no matter what the challenges I promised myself as well that I would FIGHT to the end. But what if the end is near?!
I know this could be a simple lil' lump that can be removed, but my mind floats away to thoughts of things I hate to imagine. I think a big part of it is due to the fact that I have lost so many things so close to me. Things I loved so dearly. Gone in a flash! I think that is also where my anxiety comes from when I think of losing Eli. I just can't imagine losing that old fart :) Cuz he's my old fart. My hiking loving, goofy laughing, ambitious, cuddly, loving man. No matter if this outcome is good or bad, it has made me realize how much I do still love that man. How I can't imagine a life with out him. He is my softer, calmer, better spoken, optimistic other half.
No comments:
Post a Comment