Just a feeling...

I can't say I was your typical kid.


I was always over dramatic or made things more than what they were. A simple fall was a car crash, a secret was top secret. But something that I always had as a child was that "gut feeling." I think truly everyone has it, but don't really read too into it. Oh, but I did. Intuition, seeing into the future, what ever you wanna call it, I just say it's a gut feeling. My mom has it too. She can tell you she has a good or bad feeling about something and most of the time she's right. It's a lil' bizarre if ya ask me and honestly I thought it was just a fluke thing. Till' that day came. It was the year of 01' and I kept seeing 11. 11:11 was always on the clock. It was everywhere. I remember specifically that summer my sister was coming home from a trip and her flight was coming in at 11pm. I told my mom to call her and tell her NOT to fly on that flight. I honestly thought it was gonna crash. Then nothing. She came home and of course my mom yelled at me for saying something so ridiculous. Then my birthday. It's Aug. 11th. And I knew it was gonna be a day of anxiety. All day, I thought something was bound to go wrong. I didn't wanna celebrate and just stayed home. And again nothing. I thought I was being my over dramatic self and even though I continued to see the number 11, I brushed it off. The Sept. 11th happened and my heart dropped. My mom and sisters both were a lil' freaked as was myself. I was also a lil' obsessed about it. Why?! I honestly don't know why. I kept all the papers from that day and days to come. To this day I tell people about it and they think I'm absolutely crazy. Sometimes I do too. But I'm reconfirmed when my mom and sisters back me up. 


And when my sister lost Cedes to her father I knew it. That day I knew we had lost our angel. I so wanted my heart to feel different, but I just felt it. I knew my Max was gonna pass. That day we got the call, I remember thinking ALL day we were. When they called and told us Max was ok and we were able to get him, I knew something just wasn't right. And it wasn't. Seconds later, we got that horrible call that he just stopped breathing.


And now. I just have this overwhelming feeling of loss. My 26th birthday this summer does NOT sit well with me. I don't see myself older. I don't imagine Eli being older. Or growing old with Moi. It may be just something we all go through. Especially with ALL this change, but I just can't see it. Nothing is clear to me. It's not even a faze. It's just not there. I've felt a lil' stressed about it. I've been thinking that someone is in our house. And I'm overly obsessed with looking at Eli's monitor cuz I think someone is gonna break in and take my Eli. Lately it's been an awful fear of mine. My monster has been extremely calm with me. Which, is very rare of his personality. Anyone who knows him, knows he's a maniac. He's presence around me is just a calm, relaxed, mellow dog. He even nudges in between my arms or legs to hug me. Like he can sense something as well. It's this intense feeling of not being around for some odd reason. I've told my family and Moi about it, but they get upset at me and just kinda ignore it. I wish I could, but I think of it every single day. It tears up at me. I just hope that it's just a feeling and nothing more. But my heart is telling me something else and I hate it!