Have you ever looked at life and wondered is this it?! Am I supposed to be with this person forever?! Is this my path of what my life is...am I on the right route?! I did that A LOT. With everything. With my life in college, my relationship with Moi, my whole life was just. Literally just life. I wasn't sure about anything and I questioned me and Moi constantly. I always wondered if he was the right one. I mean people say when you know, you just know. No thought. But I didn't know. I wanted to, but I wasn't ever 100% sure. We never were on the same page. Things never seemed in place with us. I mean he was the person I was supposed to be myself with. And at times I didn't feel that. I felt like I had to be a person he wanted. Not the person I was. And it was like that most of our relationship. Moi was my first love. So I never knew any different. But when I'd talk to my mom, she would explain the love she had for my father (during his better time in life) and I never could relate. It wasn't like that. Then I'd start questioning myself if I truly loved Moi or if it was just that I was comfortable that made me stay. I was familiar with us. It was what I was used too.
Then life changed. And we were engaged. I felt like I was at a good spot in our relationship, but there were still things that were making me question our future. Did I want to grow old with this man. Then I would start to say, well if I'm feeling this way, then why am I with him. It was a constant cycle that was so unforgiving and tortuous. At moments I was ready to give up and just leave with out a goodbye a note. Nothing. For a while we were at a point where we were not healthy for each other. We both had our flaws that needed attention for us to work. So we parted and it made me see what I was missing. You see I never knew what a healthy, loving relationship was. I never saw one. Everyone in my family including aunts, uncles, cousins all were divorced. No one demonstrated what it was like to be healthy in love. And I say healthy in love because there are so many people who are damaging themselves by being with a person they believe they are in love with. Controlling, abusive, neglecting, uncommunicative relationships. And that's what I saw. I have to give praise to Moises' parents because they were the first couple who showed me what it was to really love your spouse and partner. They are still so in love and I knew that's what I wanted. But it took nineteen years to finally see it first hand. Nineteen years is a long time with out seeing what a true, healthy loving relationship involves.
So as me and Moi stuck it out, we decided we needed to try and if all failed then it wasn't meant. Well guess who made it all happen. Our Eli. We got pregnant a few months prior to our wedding and I really felt like it was such a blessing from the Lord.
Eli woke both me and Moi up. He let us truly fall in love. He let me see the side of Moi I so desperately needed to see, as well the side of me, Moi so desperately needed to see. We let out our venerability and it was ok. I can't say I have ever been so in love with Moi as much as I am with him now. It's such a different love. And now I can say it's the love my mom had for father. The love Moi's parents express. It's the deepest love I have ever felt and it's amazing. Writing this now, I'm fighting back tears because I can't believe how far we've come from the moment we found out we were pregnant till' now. We have grown so much and for the better. Our lives definitely took a different path to what we thought was meant for us. But all along God knew we needed Eli. It's amazing how that all works out. Eli has forced me and Moi to come together as a team for him, but what we didn't know was if forced us to see the love we had and have for each other. I think it was always there, but I was so blinded by what I thought was the right form that I never allowed the love that me and Moi had to ever exist. Our love was toxic from the start because I had made it into that. I never allowed it to flourish into what it should have. By concealing myself from Moi and him from me we never reached the ok part of us. We never saw what should have been because we were so blinded by our own selfishness of what we thought was meant to be love. Now its the purest love I can imagine. Because it's love that came from deep within us. We had to search for it, but now that it's been found it'll never go lost again. And why because our sweet boy brought it out of us. He made us see what we had longed for, for so long. It's amazing what a child so innocent can do to you. Some say having a child can tear a couple apart, but it has only brought us closer. Eli gave me and Moi a second chance at love. And I'm so thankful now, that I know that feeling of emotion. It's amazing. It's thrilling. It's truly like a love out of a movie.
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