Letting go

Today I have been thinking a lot about my Cedes. Counting down the hours she will once again leave us. I can remember her the first time they came back from Japan, holding her own little pull luggage. Only 2 years old, blonde, blonde hair, those big blue eyes and acting though as if she was "IT". That lil' girl always had such a ham of a personality. She was the center of attention, and if she wasn't she would make sure she became it. I got to spend 3 amazing months with her and from there on out, she was my lil' mini me. We became attached. We were closer than sisters. We spent everyday together, and man do I miss those days. A few months back we watched video of her, and that girl was something else. We were always laughing at the goofy things she did. I still reminisce about the days when she was younger. But I have to realize my Cedes isn't that girl anymore.

And now I have come to realize that I must let go of that Cedes, I'm still trying to hold on, tightly, but I must release the hold I have on her. Cedes in a way has been my shield. My comfort. The wall I let down. Now it's time to allow myself to let go of that 5 year old girl, I still want back. I need to realize she is no longer a toddler, a lil' girl that I can play makeup or dress up with. She now is a young lil' lady, who needs to grow. I'm holding her back from growing and I know God has a plan for her, just as he does for me. He has an amazing plan for her. I can't interrupt that plan. All I can do now, is pray that he gives her guidance and comfort when she feels all alone. I will never give up on her and will continue to be here for her, but I now need to focus on my bundle of joy. I need to be the mom that he deserves. My grievance over Cedes is doing NO good for me or her and is holding me back from what I need to do with Eli.

Cedes leaving is always a process I will never get used too. It's as though I lose her every time. So the whole cycle repeats itself all over again. She technically isn't gone, but in my eyes she is. Her presence is missed So much! This is where I need to let go. It's okay to miss that sweet girl, but wishing for a different outcome will never happen. So tonight me and Eli will go to bed knowing we enjoyed Cedes time here and this won't be a good bye, but a wave, kiss and hug. We love you Cedes and can't wait to see you for Thanksgiving.