Moises had no clue what was going on, as I decided to keep it from him. I love the man dearly, but some topics just don't need to be brought up and this was one of them! Even though it would have been nice to talk to someone and just cry out my fears to him :(
I call my sister and she's in tears!! Cedes father was found with a DUI (court order states NO drinking while Cedes is in either care of the mother or father)...We were all dumbfounded as to why they didn't see anything wrong with the situation and he violated the courts. Cedes has told us that he has even left her in the car at night to go drink at a bar...How can anyone leave their baby ALL alone, let alone being left in the dark at night :( Thinking about that just makes me cringe! I don't understand what the courts want, what a child's death is when they will finally put their foot down, when it is TO LATE! The thought of losing her brings tears to my eyes. I truly can't see my life without that sweet lil' angel! Her personality is beyond being the BEST and that goofy laugh of her 's is so contagious. I pray one day God will give us hope and faith again in the return of my baby girl! I just wish I could close my eyes and rewind time where she was two and asking Moi to be put on his shutters as she called them :) or when Moi and I would take her anywhere and everywhere spoiling her rotten! Why don't time machines exist?! I can't stop saying how much I really LOVE that lil' girl! How every time I see her my heart smiles and I just can't get over how beautiful she is! Really, she is the MOST beautiful lil' girl I have ever seen or known!
The quote: God only gives you what you can handle. Well to be honest I'm not handling this well. Cedes has been through what most people don't experience in a life time. Yet she still continues on, but I see her happy, once nieve, innocent soul slowing diminishing. She has worry in her eyes and anger in her voice. She's hurt. Broken and no one to fix her. She hides her father's mistakes and wrong doings to protect his thoughtless and sinful life. She's so young to be living this life, NOT my Cedes. Not my lil' girl who would once sing in front of the world. It crushes me to know that she will continue on if nothing changes. I have faith though that God will guide her, be with her and help her to grow into the young lady she deserves to be.
I always tell Moi if we don't have a lil' girl, Cedes can fill that spot. I wanna be at every big event, to her graduation of entering high school, to prom, to meeting her first "Real" date, to H.S graduation, to college life, to her wedding, to her first child and I know many of those milestones I will be missing. I know right now my sister is going through Hell on earth and blames much of this on herself. But I think once she lets go of her guilt she'll be able to be a better mom to Cedes. Move on. I did blame her for a LONG time and sometimes catch myself reliving the blaming game all over again, but what good is that. She is my sister and as hard as it is to say, I forgive her. I know she doesn't technically need my forgivenss, but I think for my own personal sanity I need to forgive her. I need to move on from when Cedes was five when that horrible person entered her life and snatched her innocents away from her. I need to place my anger and resentment in the hands of God. Let him take care of it. He can handle it. The build up of all that only makes me an ugly, negative person, the person I don't wanna be. So I try not to be a person of judgement, criticism, stereotyping because everyone has a story. It might be a story that can't be understood, but it's not my place. That's God's job. I think he's pretty good at it, so I'll leave it with him. So tonight as I lay Eli in bed and say my nightly prayers, I will ask God to be with Marisa. Know that it's okay for her to move on and to STOP blaming herself. I love you my sister and will be here for you forever!
I always tell Moi if we don't have a lil' girl, Cedes can fill that spot. I wanna be at every big event, to her graduation of entering high school, to prom, to meeting her first "Real" date, to H.S graduation, to college life, to her wedding, to her first child and I know many of those milestones I will be missing. I know right now my sister is going through Hell on earth and blames much of this on herself. But I think once she lets go of her guilt she'll be able to be a better mom to Cedes. Move on. I did blame her for a LONG time and sometimes catch myself reliving the blaming game all over again, but what good is that. She is my sister and as hard as it is to say, I forgive her. I know she doesn't technically need my forgivenss, but I think for my own personal sanity I need to forgive her. I need to move on from when Cedes was five when that horrible person entered her life and snatched her innocents away from her. I need to place my anger and resentment in the hands of God. Let him take care of it. He can handle it. The build up of all that only makes me an ugly, negative person, the person I don't wanna be. So I try not to be a person of judgement, criticism, stereotyping because everyone has a story. It might be a story that can't be understood, but it's not my place. That's God's job. I think he's pretty good at it, so I'll leave it with him. So tonight as I lay Eli in bed and say my nightly prayers, I will ask God to be with Marisa. Know that it's okay for her to move on and to STOP blaming herself. I love you my sister and will be here for you forever!
On another note. My lil' E had a scratch on his lil' eyeball and thank goodness when we went to Rady's Childrens it was empty (yes empty). It usually is packed. So we were seen asap! So lil' man was diagnosed with a corneal abrasion. My poor baby, nurse after nurse came in thinking it was possibly a hair or some foreign object. His lil' eye was poked to many times for my likings, I finally had to say this was IT, I don't want his eye poked at anymore. His eye was tested with dye and yuppers, it was a scratch. So the next day we needed to go see a specialist, and just our luck the San Diego office was overbooked. So we had to drive an hr. away to Escondido just for the doc to tell us it was healed already..and continue his ointment in his eye. But its better we go just to make sure nothing more serious was wrong with his eye.
Oh and on Aug. 1st he rolled over for his first time...YEAH go Eli!! mama is SO proud of you!
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