I have. But this is with the same lil' boy that steals my heart more and more!
Every morning when I enter his room and see that adorable face pop up right above his crib, my heart virtually beams from under my chest.
As posted in previous posts, I have to admit my love for Eli wasn't instant. And as awful and unmotherly (sp?) it may sound, my love for Eli grew as I got to know him. Of course much of it was due to the baby blues that turned to postpartum depression, but I don't have anger over it. I look at it as a blessing in disguise. I know the feeling of what it is to TRULY LOVE Eli cuz at one time it was hiding. Don't get my words mixed, I loved Eli, but I didn't know it. It was buried underneath layers and layers of something that emotionally I couldn't express at the time. But, I didn't let it beat me. I was a fighter and this wasn't going to take away the ONE thing that I so desperately wanted to LOVE. I never wanted to LOVE something more than the way I wanted to Love my sweet Eli.
But with prayer (lots of it) and the attitude of a boxer I KO'd the depression. The first few rounds it may have gotten over on me, but that last round I made sure I wasn't gonna go down with out my arms flying and punches steering its way. And I WON with a few seconds to spare!
Thinking about that time, I can still physically feel how I felt and it reminds me that I will NEVER feel that again. Becuz I know mentally I can't. I Love Eli so unconditionally that my love for him is deeper than I truly ever thought I could feel. I tell people the only way I can describe how I feel about Eli is imagine being on roller coaster, that automatic sensation you get when it drops. Your heart flutters and you're in euphoria. Eli is my euphoria. Even a simple thought of him and I escape off to that feeling. And honestly I fall deeper in love with him, every single day. I didn't even believe that was possible. Oh, but it is. And I'm so grateful for it. I love being Eli's mama.
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