Postpartum depression

It's looked down on. And in some ways it's a feeling of shame. Well that's how I felt for a long time. I know I've talked about it. And a lot. But I never talked about it out loud. I mean I had said things here and there to the hubs and MIL, but never really described what it felt like. The gut wrenching, heart ripping feeling it bears upon oneself. 


My mama and sister came over to do a lil' photo op. Which was so darn cute. But unfortunately they show a lil' to much skin and I don't feel comfortable posting them. But let me tell ya, they were so adorable. Ok, ok off track. 


As we were doing our usual talking sessions, that can last for hours, we brought up me having another baby. Which in the beginning was something I so desperately wanted. I think it was to grasp onto a feeling I didn't experience with Eli. But now, it's something I don't give a second thought about. 


Well, lately and especially today I've been extremely emotional. My MIL and FIL dog died and well I'm an animal Lover, so I was saddened all day about the news.


 So as talk about baby came up more and more. I flat out said NO MORE BABIES for me. It's kinda my defense mechanism. But my mama and sister kept saying you'll change your mind. And in my mind I was thinking NO I WON'T. And then it just came. Out of nowhere. I full on just started to cry. Ball actually. I finally let it out. And it was my therapy I knew I had needed for a long time. About what I was truly feeling when I had Eli. And the disconnect I felt with him. As a mother, I don't want to admit I felt I was somewhat at fault with how I was feeling. I don't like to think that a mother should feel nothing for her child. A child she carried for almost a year. A child she watched grow and fell in love with on a monitor screen. And then nothing. The moment that baby was set in my arms, I was wondering whose baby is this. Cuz he sure ain't mine. I don't know this boy. Love was non existent. I felt trapped in a different life. A different body. Moi wasn't my husband and the only thing familiar to me were my dogs. How could I feel this way?! And why?! I think a lot had to do with being a first time mother, my 24 hr labor and the difficulties that came along with my delivery. But, what I had never done was fully express what I was feeling. How I had to get to know my son and in some ways my husband again to fall in love with them. I had heard about baby blues, but this was beyond that. And today when I finally released it all, I felt a heavy boulder lifting from my body. My mom looked at me and her face was in disbelief. She never knew how bad it was. I think if it wasn't for my sister, Monica, I would have been lost. She came over many times, as I call it, to save me. Really! So there it was. Laid out infront of them. And I think at first they didn't really know what to say or react. It took a while, but my mom leaned over and rubbed my back and said, "I'm so sorry, mija, I never knew it was that bad and I wasn't here for you!" That was something I wasn't expecting, but was nice to hear. 


Postpartum depression is something that shouldn't be taken lightly. And I have been somewhat of advocate for it. Because I truly feel many woman deal with it, but can't express it in fear of what people will say or how they will look to others. But it's nothing to feel shameful about or think am I a horrible mother. No! I try to talk to women about placenta capsulation and believe me...IF...I ever get prego again, I'm definitely going to do it. I don't care what people think. It's my body and my baby!