I'm staring at your monitor and my heart skips a beat to see your peaceful lil' body resting so graciously.
Today we went to go see sugarnana and we got to talking about how much fun you are at this age. I told her how amazed I am that I've become even more head over heels for you. I never knew how MUCH I could truly love you. But I guess that's what it is to be a parent. The love for a child never STOPS growing. I feel as though my heart is overfilled with the amount of love I have for you.
So Eli I want to write this letter to you for the future. When your a teenager and I'm so upset at something you've done ;) , I can go back to this and remember that I have the most amazing son a mother could possibly have.
So here goes nothing lil' buddy.
My Stinky, (my new nickname for you)
I don't know what it is that when I start to write about you in my deepest form, I can't seem to hold back tears from falling. Don't worry, they aren't sad tears. They are overjoyed tears of how much you mean to me. How you have become the staple in my life that I know is so certain. I'm not a crier, at all! But you seem to tug at that particular part of my heart that gets me every time. It never fails. That's what you do to me. You break down all my walls and allow a part of my soul to release what it needs. And you have absolutely no clue how you've effected my life. In such a drastic change. But, ewi, Im so thankful for that. You see, this mama was kind of a push over. I wasn't willing to stand up for what I wanted. I went with what others said and didn't really have much of a voice in my own wants and needs. In my happiness. I guess I was scared, or just timid. But you gave me all the courage in the world to be ME! I can't really explain it, how you've managed to pull out the person I so desperately wanted to be, but at the same time so afraid. Allowing others to see my vulnerability. But I want to say thank you my sweet boy. Thank you for allowing and accepting me for me. I love the individual I am now. And all the credit goes to you. A sweet lil' boy who only knew the one thing that was familiar to him, which was me. And now that I see you're becoming your own individual I want you to do things for you. I want you to be a strong young boy and one day man. A man who stands up for his own self worth. I want you to be the you I see you growing into.
And I can see it, Eli. You have such strong character. If something isn't as it should be, you let us know. If you want to give us a huge hug or besito, you do so. Because that's you. And I never want that to change. You're such an amazing boy. I watch you and I have to take a step back. Is this little boy really mine?! Did we create this goofy. flirty. curious. cheerful. brave. daring. charming. loving. sweet. bad tempered little boy?! I still am in disbelief that God gave you to us. I guess in some ways I don't feel like I deserve you. Your the picture of perfection and I have so many flaws. I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I'm so thankful God allowed me and picked to be your mama. All I know is I will continue to count my blessing with you because I think it might have been a fluke. But no taking you back now, you're all ours. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I say that honestly. I couldn't even begin to imagine my life with out your name in it. You're the reason I wake in the mornings. Your my inspiration behind every choice I make. Your my logical reasoning. Your my world. My everything. My sunshine during my gloomy days.
This past week I've been a little down because daddy forgot mothers day and I don't think he really understands how heart broken I was. But who comes to the rescue, but you. It woke me up from my down days. Especially the day you started to walk. (Lets mark it down Tues the 15th). You were in such shock, but at the same time so proud of yourself. I could just read it on your face. And you would come walking into my arms with a huge hug to finish it off. I loved seeing you so proud of your accomplishment. I was so proud of you. I couldn't get enough of you. You were so happy at what you had just achieved. And in those moments I feel like I've achieved them with you. I feel like I am right there with you and a feeling of euphoria surrounds me and takes away any hurt, pain, or sorrow I have. How do you do that Eli?! I'll never understand it and to be honest I don't care to. You just make me, as simple as it is said, just happy. Happy to be your mother. Happy to have to opportunity to see your amazing face everyday. Happy to feel you cuddled up next to me when you get sleepy. Happy to just be with you. And I know we'll have our hard days, but those moments when you have the biggest smile on your face, will overcome all the hurdles we run into. I love you so much my Elijah Moises Garcia and tonight I'll thank the Lord extra for what he gave me. What I didn't even know I needed. YOU!
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