It's seems that I have somehow pushed her in the back of my mind, not cuz I wanted too, but I needed too.
The way I was feeling wasn't healthy. Not for me or her. I was becoming over obsessive about her being gone. How much I missed her and it was making this happy lady, sad. And A LOT. I was angry and hadn't moved on from what had happened to her. I knew I needed to let that all go.
And I finally have.
I've finally allowed myself to have closure in my heart.
But lately she's been a constant image in my mind. I miss her terribly. My love for my Cedes isn't that of your typical aunt or tia. I have a special place in my heart only for her. She is more like my lil' sister or even a daughter. She's a very special lil' person to me.
So today, I picked up my phone and realized I hadn't talked to my sister in a while. She's been kinda on the down low, with her pregnancy. She's tired a lot. And I know she misses her husband like crazy. So as we start talking she mentions to me, that she talked to Dan. Asking if she could have Cedes. Cedes has been writing stories. And that lil' girl has got an imagination on her like no other. When she reads them to me, I can't help but laugh. She is so funny. But lately, she has been writing a story about a dead girl who follows her. A ghost she says. She gets more and more detailed as she writes about her, which is daily. Well, the other day she told my sister that the lil' girl committed suicide. (what lil' nine year old knows about suicide?!) Red flag for sure. She said that the lil girl was sad because her mom left. I knew this was a call for help from our sweet girl. I was in shock to be honest. I was so angry that she was feeling so alone. That she has gone so long probably feeling this way and has found somewhat of an outlet in her writing. Her father thinks it's just her imagination, but I know that any lil' girl who says something like that, there certainly is a meaning behind it. I can't help but weep in sorrow for our poor Cedes. I didn't know what at first to tell my sister, but I just belted it out. Marisa, she trying to tell you something. With her voice clearly hearing, she replied I know Mireya. I asked Dan if I could keep her! But I asked him to really consider it this time.
I know in life everything happens for a reason. Reasons which we don't know about yet. Or will ever know. But sometimes I wonder why Cedes?! Why did she have to be put into this world of darkness?! Why did a lil' five year old have to endure horrible circumstances from others doings?!
But throughout this whole ordeal, I have realized how much our family is so in love with that lil' girl. How much love that surrounds her. This could have happened to a lost lil' girl who might have had no one. No family, no love, no support. I try and see the deeper meaning of why?! I hate to think that people place blame on our Lord for reasons they still don't know. But have they really searched?! Some just don't want too, while others, just believe that it was God's intentions to hurt them. But I see it as, he knew that Cedes has a strong family behind her that will get her through this. And though God, wasn't responsible for what had happened to her, he knew that when she would face this awful situation, we would all have open arms. Waiting for her. Not allowing her to face this alone. She would have her family to be there for her, no matter what she endured. I feel that he has and is still preparing us. Setting us up for something that is deeper than we actually know. Possibly facing fears we all have for Cedes future, but giving us hope and strength that she will get through it. I know it'll be a long road. A road with holes, cracks and forks in it, but a road all of us are willing to ride. As long as Cedes is in the passengers seat. No matter how long the trip is!
I can't wait to see Cedes in a few weeks. I just pray the Lord opens up her fathers heart and allows him to see what is good for Mercedes and not for himself, nor my sister. But for their daughter!
I know in life everything happens for a reason. Reasons which we don't know about yet. Or will ever know. But sometimes I wonder why Cedes?! Why did she have to be put into this world of darkness?! Why did a lil' five year old have to endure horrible circumstances from others doings?!
But throughout this whole ordeal, I have realized how much our family is so in love with that lil' girl. How much love that surrounds her. This could have happened to a lost lil' girl who might have had no one. No family, no love, no support. I try and see the deeper meaning of why?! I hate to think that people place blame on our Lord for reasons they still don't know. But have they really searched?! Some just don't want too, while others, just believe that it was God's intentions to hurt them. But I see it as, he knew that Cedes has a strong family behind her that will get her through this. And though God, wasn't responsible for what had happened to her, he knew that when she would face this awful situation, we would all have open arms. Waiting for her. Not allowing her to face this alone. She would have her family to be there for her, no matter what she endured. I feel that he has and is still preparing us. Setting us up for something that is deeper than we actually know. Possibly facing fears we all have for Cedes future, but giving us hope and strength that she will get through it. I know it'll be a long road. A road with holes, cracks and forks in it, but a road all of us are willing to ride. As long as Cedes is in the passengers seat. No matter how long the trip is!
I can't wait to see Cedes in a few weeks. I just pray the Lord opens up her fathers heart and allows him to see what is good for Mercedes and not for himself, nor my sister. But for their daughter!
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