Life...

The thought of life is always crossing my mind. We're born, live and die. But what happens in between is what makes it all matter. So with that thought, I was thinking about our Eli's life. How amazingly blessed we are to have his life be part of ours. But at the same time how fast time is flying by. He is getting big and I see him grow by the hour. He's a different child in a days time and I didn't expect that it would come so quickly. 


And with my sister pregnancy coming to an end I find myself with the baby bug. And BAD. I look at Eli's baby pix and I get a lil' bit of that hit to the heart. I see my baby and then look over to see my toddler walking and "thinking" he's talking. It truly isn't fair how fast a child grows from birth to a year. 


And now I'm finding myself more than not holding a baby, my baby. Being pregnant again and actually enjoying it all. I can still remember pregnancy. labor. and birth. And to be honest it ALL was the worst experience. None of it was easy for me. But for some reason I want it again. Why?!? I'm quite not sure. But now what is holding me back is me and Moi's relationship. Will we go back to that awful place we were when Eli first came home?! Will I be so overwhelmed with everything, will my postpartum hit me again?! It all comes back to me and I just see me tying my tubes and adopting. Not even allowing me to have a chance because I see me and Moi ending. Ugh...WHY. I'm so confused...